Reflections on Motherhood and Life as a Doula

Thursday, February 24, 2011

In case there was a misunderstanding...

There was a lot more to this post that I have erased - mostly because it was personal and none of your business.  :)  I felt it would be healthy for my to write it out and get it off my chest...and then delete it.  So if this post makes no sense to you,  just keep in mind that it was for my own therapy.

I find that as I focus on raising my children and keeping a somewhat put together home for my husband, I "neglect" family and friends.  I go through spurts with my family.  A week on and a week off.  My family - mostly meaning my mom, my sister, and my mother in law - are my saving grace.  I can call them about anything I am thinking or feeling, and they don't judge.  I take that back...they might judge, but they are family, so they're not allowed to stop loving me.  :)  Now throw in my life as a doula.  I am spending all of my time focusing on my growing family and these beautiful people who have asked me to be present at their births and help support them.  I love every minute of it.  But it is even less time that I spend trying to get ahold of friends.

Now, I'd say 99.9% of people that know me, know that I HATE talking on the phone.  Write me a letter, text me, or come see me.  I don't do phones.  They make me nervous - I have no idea why. 
The closest of my friends, I talk to maybe 6 times a year.  When we see eachother (or make that dreaded phone call), we pick up right where we left off and its like we see eachother every day.  To me, that is true friendship.  I don't need to check in with them, I don't ever worry that they are mad at me, I usually forget birthdays - I try to drop a message within 2 weeks - and sometimes I don't show up at important events.
I don't ever just "show-up".  Even if I know something important has happened, I have an odd respect for others' I wait for an invite.  And if I don't get one, my feelings aren't hurt.  BECAUSE, I am focusing my attention on my growing family.

Note:  My mom and sister are probably reading this right now, going....WHAT?!?!  My sister and I talk on the phone at least 3 times a day, I go over to both of their houses completely unannounced and stay for as long as I like, I crash my sister's parties by bringing my whole family (at least we bring our own food to eat)...  Again, family is a little different.  Haha, I used to call my mom and say "Hey!  Are you home?"  "Yes, why, do you want to come over?"  "Sure!"  "When will you be here?"  "I'm in your drive..."

My point is this:  This is me.  Take it or leave it.  If you are my friend, know that I love you more than you will probably ever imagine.  I just don't show it in your average "friendly" ways.  My babies and my husband always come first, and I just assume everyone else feels the same way about their families.  I try to be respectful of others' feelings, but I'll warn you right now, I DO NOT know how to keep my mouth shut.  I demand respect for myself and for those I care about.  If I don't feel like you are being respectful, I open my big fat mouth (and probably say things that are not respectful as well - hey at least I'm being honest) and tell you.  And yes, this mouth sometimes jeopardizes other relationships.  I sincerely feel sad about those jeopardized relationships, but I can't regret speaking the truth about my feelings and emotions.  Could I say things in a more gentle way?  Yes.  And I'm working on that.  I definitely have some huge changes to make in my life, and I don't deny it.  But this is me.  And after a friendly conversation, a sorrowful time, or an argument, I will always tell you that I love you.  Because I love you. 

Consider me whatever you want...but I expect to hear it back.

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