One Moment

One Moment.

One photo.  No words.  A moment I want to capture and remember forever.

So much to learn from

Still new to the "doula" scene, but thought I was flawless.  My first few births were smooth sailing, and I was confident in the support I provided.  But alas, I have been humbled.  Even though this last birth was successful in its ultimate goal, I walked away feeling like a failure and wanting to quit.

I have had a few sleepless nights since the birth (on top of the sleepless night during the labor and birth), and I think I have finally gotten some of my emotions and thoughts together. 

I watched a VBAC momma hit mental block after mental block, and I sat there...helpless...not knowing what I could do to help.  Not only have I attended a VBAC before, but I have VBAC'd myself!  I know all about the mental blocks that a woman experiences as she tries, yet again, for a vaginal birth.  I am "miss emotional support"!  What happened to me?  Why couldn't I say the right things to help her move past these? 

I was so full of doubt and disappointment (in myself), that I forgot about the other important things a doula needs to do.  I stopped reminding her of position changes, I stopped protecting her from inconsiderate comments made by the "medical professionals", I just stopped.  And labor got "stuck".  I took a break (one of many) and went home to have dinner with my family.  I was a complete mess.  Sobbing over the idea that I was a failure and I was failing this tremendous woman who "needed" me so badly.  Thankfully I have a husband who has his head on a little straighter than I do.  He calmed me down, reminded me that this wasn't my birth, and also reminded me that only one person can move through these blocks - the laboring woman.  And he was right.  I hit block after block, and although I had a massive amount of supportive women around me, only I could move past them.  And I did.

I went back to the hospital (my husband's words had not rang true with me yet), and tried to get out of my head and into the birth.  Luckily for me (and I think for all of us), a good friend of ours came to offer some extra support.  She was like a doula for all of us.  She gently reminded position changes and relaxation.  She encouraged physical support that I wasn't expecting to do - which was awesome because I felt useful and got to use my homemade oils!

And then she pushed.  And while she pushed, I wanted to punch the rude nurse standing across from me...but I didn't.  We whispered words of encouragement and love.  And she pushed her baby out into her open arms.

Could I have done more to support this amazing woman in her labor and birth?  Absolutely.  Will I ever forgive myself?  Probably not.  But I am going to try.  And I am going to take so much from this birth to help me move forward and grow as a doula.

I am truly honored that I was able to witness this beautiful birth, and I am thankful that I had this experience. 

One Moment

One Moment.

One photo.  No words.  A moment I want to capture and remember forever.

Birth Plans - Making them stick!

I'd like to think that everytime a staff of nurses get a copy of a woman's birth plan, they say - "Yes!  A woman is taking control of her birth!  Let's help her get the experience she desires!"
Unfortunately, I don't think this happens every day.  Not that I don't believe there are amazing nurses who support natural childbirth, I just don't think there are as many as we would like.

So we write a birth plan, describing everything we want and don't want at every possible stage of labor, and we even throw in those "in case of emergency" points.  STOP!  Erase, delete, burn!  I don't care, just get rid of that damned thing. 

My first bit of advice - and remember, this is not medical advice...I have nothing backing what I say, other than my own personal experience - Don't write anything about the first stage of labor.  Labor at home!  You'll be a million times more comfortable, nobody is going to be sticking things inside of you, you can rest without someone coming in to wake you up and ask you to "rate" your pain, you can eat, you can drink, you can sit on the toilet without being disrupted (unless you have a 2 year old in the house), music, tv, prayer, dance, dah dah dah dah dah...and the list goes on.  Save yourself some sanity, and scrap the whole first half of your birth plan. 
Now, if you are planning on giving birth in a hospital, I imagine that you would like to arrive to the place of birth BEFORE the baby completely emerges from your vagina.  If I am correct, and you want a natural birth, you may want to jot down, "PLEASE do NOT offer chemical pain relief".  Done.  Simple as that.  They get the point, and you didn't come off as a crazy whack-job who is trying to tell them how to do their jobs.

If you leave it like this, there is no room for discussion.  The only way things will change, is if there is a TRUE emergency - and in that case, there will be no discussion.  Don't give anybody the opportunity to talk to you about a "possible emergency if this and this and that happen".  There could be a possible emergency if I walk out my front door right now...but I'm still gonna go ahead and do it.  There are dangers in everything we do, but we know that for low-risk mothers; natural, vaginal childbirth is the safest way to go.

I also don't think you should write about pushing.  If you are pushing with no chemical pain relief, you are pushing when you feel the need to push.  Believe me...NO ONE can stop you.  If they try to coach you, just ignore them.  You don't need coaching.  And whatever position feels good to push in, get in that position.  If they argue with you, ignore them (as long as somebody can catch the baby).  A woman who is truly having a natural childbirth, can not be disrupted at this time.  She is so primal, so instinctual.  There is almost nothing anybody can do to bring her out of this.  Just push.  You'll know how when you get there.

CONGRATULATIONS!  You had your beautiful baby! 
Now let's get writing. 
Your baby is no longer protected in your womb.  You are high as a kite with love and joy. 
This is where, I believe, you need to give step by step, moment by moment direction.  This is your baby.  You are the only one who has this amazing connection with him/her.  You need to protect your baby. 
Everything from umbilical cord care, to newborn exams, to breastfeeding.  Write it down.  Write it all down.  And bring 40 signed copies with you.  Have your partner and doula hand them out to every staff member they see.
You may think I am going overboard about this...but you are the protector of your baby.  Protect them.

So your birth plan is written.  Your L&D nurses will probably be pretty respectful and leave you alone, because you did the same for them.  This will make for an enjoyable birthing experience.  After the baby is born, it doesn't really matter how crazy the nurses think you are.  The only thing that matters is that your baby is in your arms.  Don't let that baby go. 
Go home.
Enjoy motherhood.

Nesting...

I feel like I go through all the "symptoms" of labor when I am waiting for a client to go into labor. 
I am nesting like you wouldn't believe.  Unfortunately my kids aren't cooperating, so it is turning into a meltdown frantic kind of day.

Part of me wonders if the nesting is because of the connection I have with laboring women.  The other part of me just wonders if it is because I know that while I am with a laboring woman, somebody will probably be at my house watching the kids - and I get so embarrassed if it is messy.

Either way, I'm nesting.  Uncontrollably.  I am hoping this is the only symptom I experience.  With one of my other clients, I knew when she went into labor before she called me.  I started to get really crampy and within minutes, my phone rang.  At least in the future I won't think something is dreadfully wrong with me, and I can just go ahead and take that as a sign to start getting my things together for the birth.

I am so looking forward to this upcoming birth.  Any day now, another beautiful baby will be in the arms of his beautiful mother.  What a wonderful life I have, being able  to witness this and help these amazing, powerful women enjoy their birthing experiences.

I think I need to put down the cleaning supplies, brew a cup of tea, and share some quality time with my amazing kids.  The beautiful thing about what I do, is that I can share my experiences with my kids.  They love to hear the stories of the babies growing in their mommy's bellies and how the babies come out into this world.  Not only do I get to share the miraculous stories with them, but I am able to reflect on what it is that I do.  Awesome!

Before I brew that cup of tea, I think I'm gonna pop on some tunes and wash the kitchen floor.  :)

One Moment

One Moment.

One photo.  No words.  A moment I want to capture and remember forever.

Getting to know you (in a sing song voice)

You've met my kids through their birth stories and our every day life stories, but I am going to take this opportunity (while they are both sleeping) to avoid cleaning my house and introduce you to my amazing family that puts a smile on my face and love in my heart.

I'll start at the bottom of the totem pole - so to speak.

Meet Indiana Jones

She is our Border Collie that we rescued while living in Austin, TX.  She is really smart, really energetic, barks a lot, and smells REALLY BAD.  I read a "birth" quote once that said, "Once you have a baby, your dog becomes just that...a dog."  And that is what she has become.  I love her very much and she has been a blessing on our family.  But seriously, she smells.  And all she does is lick, lick, lick.

Meet Delaney Jo

Haha, I just love this picture of her.  A pure look of annoyance on her face.  Delaney just turned 7 months old yesterday!  This year is flying by so fast, it's scary.  I can't seem to hold onto these baby moments. 
Delaney, Laney, D, Angel Face - is just starting to get her first taste of non-mamma's milk.  She really enjoys the smoothies I make (bananas, kale, apples, strawberries, blueberries), but I hate that she is growing up so fast, so I only give her some every couple of days.  She loves to nurse, but is distracted easily.  She is wearing 9 month clothes now and fits in the medium sized diaper covers and large sized cloth prefolds.  She has the softest, cutest little behind that I can't stop squeezing.  In the past couple of weeks, she has mastered the army crawl and has started to get her knees into it as well.  She moves fast!
She does not like that I am a doula.  In fact, she doesn't like that I am a human being who needs bathroom breaks.  If it was up to her, she would put a diaper on me and super glue us together.  She definitely is not a fan of me walking more than 3 feet away from her.  She loves her Daddy (as long as I'm holding her, or am out of sight).  She also LOVES LOVES LOVES her big brother Stephen.  She just laughs at him all day long.

Meet Stephen Daniel

Stephen, Stevo, Bugaboo, Stevo Burrito - is almost 3 years old (in June)!  I can't believe how old he is!  He has so much energy.  He runs on full blast until he is passed out in his bed.  He's a pretty good eater, keeps it pretty healthy, but enjoys an occasional cookie or two.  He loves choo choo trains and tractors and dump trucks.  He loves to play music and to sing along.  He has his ABC's down and can write the first two letters of his name all by himself.  He can count to 20 - but he always skips the number 15.  He has been potty trained since 20 months old, but he told me the other day, that he wants to try going to bed at night without a diaper.  I'm so excited for him!  What an accomplishment!  He loves to play with other kids, but plays by himself so well.  He has his own unique way of learning things, and he marvels in his own accomplishments.  He is also very destructive.  :)  He loves to take things apart.  He loves to help us cook dinner and when he wakes in the morning before everyone else, he creates some of his own concoctions...all over the floor...  But I love his creativity.  He beats down on the dog, picks on his sister, wrestles with his Daddy, and cuddles with his Mommy.  He is all I ever hoped for in a son.

Meet my husband Michael

I have to secretly take pictures of him, because he hates the camera.  This is my hardworking, supportive, amazing husband.  My rock.  My life.  He works nonstop to support our family.  He loves working in the yard when the whether is nice.  He finds just about any excuse to get outside and enjoy nature.  He puts his heart and soul into our garden to keep our fridge, freezer and pantry stocked full of good fruits and veggies to last us all year long.  He has so much fun playing with Stephen, but is a good balance of discipline as well.  He is still in awe that he has a baby girl.  I don't know where I would be in the world without this man.  He is truly incredible.

And....Meet me.  Meagan Jo

A mom.  A wife.  A friend.  A sister.  A daughter.  A doula. 
I work hard, and I'm proud of what I do.  I give a lot of love.  More love than I ever knew was possible to give.  And thanks to my family and friends, I get all that love back...tenfold.
I love my life.