Vaccines...Yes, I'm going there.

It's not a secret what my stance is on vaccines for my family.  But in case you don't know, I'll give you a little background.

I planned to have my son delayed and selectively vaccinated.  It was a constant fight with our pediatrician, and when I would question certain/most vaccines, she would only give me the benefits of the vaccine and the risks of not vaccinating.  This shot up A LOT of red flags for me.  But needless to say, I was pressured into getting vaccines that I did not want for my son (up to and including the Varicella vaccine).  :(  I took my son in for his 2 year appointment, VERY pregnant with my daughter, and mentioned to their doctor that I was having a homebirth and that there obviously wouldn't be a pediatrician on call for my birth.  She gasped, and said that I had to bring my baby in within 24 hours of the birth to make sure she was okay and get all of her shots....hahaha!  Yea right.  I smiled and nodded in order to avoid punching her in the face.  She left the room for a moment and arrived back quickly to let me know that they had added another 7 doses to the Prevnar (I think) vaccine and that she recommends it and would be bringing it in to give to my son.  FINALLY my Mama Bear kicked in.  I jumped up and told her she was nuts and let her know that she would never see my children again. 

I read more and more and more and more information about vaccines - mind you, I found most of this information on the CDC's very own website.  My daughter was born and we switched our care to a holistic family MD.  I was planning on holding off the few vaccinations I was considering until 2 years of age.  But I kept reading and researching and finally settled on refusing ALL vaccinations.  By the way, our doctor gave me the risks and benefits to both sides and FULLY supported my decision to discontinue vaccinations for my son and not give any to my daughter.  *sigh of relief...no more fighting*

So that is my experience and where I stand with vaccines in my family.

There are a lot of people searching for a "middle ground" in this gigantic and nasty vaccine debate we have going on.  Unfortunately, in my opinion, the middle ground can only be found if we transport ourselves back to the 1980s.  Those who refuse to vaccinate are selfish and irresponsible and are putting not only their kids' lives in danger, but everyone around them in danger.  Those who do vaccinate are selfish and irresponsible and are putting not only their kids' lives in danger, but everyone around them in danger.  And if you are one of those who delays/selectively vaccinates, you get crapped on from both sides - you are obviously either anti-vaccination and are ruining our country or you are pro-vaccination and ruining our country.  Hmmm...can a middle ground be found?

Common responses I get from people everywhere - "I was vaccinated and I am fine.  You were vaccinated and you are fine.  My kids are vaccinated and they are fine" (this is the one that I get to argue with often because most people who use this as an excuse/response fail to see that their kids are on 18 different medications for ADHD, ADD, Autism, Aspergers, Asthma, Allergies, Chronic this and that - so NO, your kids are NOT fine).  And I can use a similar response.  Both my husband and I were vaccinated.  And yes, we are fine (eh hem, can you define fine? lol).  Here's the problem...

Maybe this is why most of us as adults are fine and our kids are suffering tremendously.

So here is MY MIDDLE GROUND.  Respect and Education.
Whether you refuse all vaccinations, delay or selectively vaccinate, or vaccinate entirely on the CDCs schedule, as long as you have TRULY researched and educated yourself on the risks/benefits and what exactly you are or aren't putting into your child's body, and you are continuously open to learning and educating yourself more, you are doing what is right for your children - because you are doing what you truly believe to be best. 

The only irresponsible thing to do, is to make ANY of these decisions without educating yourself (and continuing to educate even after you make that decision) and just doing it because someone told you to.  That my friends, is not doing what is right for you children - that is doing what is right for someone else. 

ALWAYS respect others' educated decisions and never close your ears and eyes to information that may or may not benefit our children's futures.

October 15th - Understanding Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I have been working with pregnant women and families on a regular basis for a little while now.  I have had two completely different pregnancies and births, and I find myself able to grasp what a lot of women are going through emotionally and physically.  I like to be that ear to listen and I surround them with love and understanding - because somehow, someway, I usually can understand. 

But not with pregnancy or infant loss. 

The few women I have worked with who have had experiences with a loss have had me digging so deep into my soul to find an emotion or an experience...just so I could try to understand.  The closest I have ever come was bringing myself back to when I was told that Stephen might not live - not being able to hold him, comfort him, nourish him...  The difference:  I was able to bring him home, he is still with me.

Mike and I are fertile.  He laughs when I say we need to "try" for another baby.  He claims that "we don't even have to have sex, we conceive just thinking about it".  And so it happened again.  We conceived the end of July/early August.  He knew I was pregnant as soon as we finished making love, and I knew about 1 week later.  We went about our normal, every day lives knowing that the tests wouldn't show up positive just yet - but there was a bounce in both of our steps.  A few days later I was cleaning and preparing the house for a much welcomed visit from a very old friend.  As I was taking care of the house, I felt a small twinge in my abdomen/uterus area (similar to the feeling I get when I am ovulating).  I thought it was odd, as I have never felt that in any of my other pregnancies.  I went on a little longer with a few more twinges here and there and decided to go to the bathroom to check it out.  Upon wiping, I saw the blood.  I noted that it was odd looking blood - very watery, more pink than anything, and not much at all - but left the bathroom feeling disappointment that I had just gotten my period (way off schedule, by the way) and that my instincts were wrong.  My friend came over soon after and we enjoyed our time together.  She stayed for a few hours, and when Mike came home from work, I informed him that we were not pregnant.  After a few more hours, I went to the bathroom again.  No more blood.  Strange.  I slept on it and began to get excited again.  I had read about implantation bleeding, I looked up the dates, and this would be just about the right time for it.  Hooray!!!  We were pregnant!  We decided to wait a few more days to take a test, just to let those HcG levels grow. 

The night before our test taking day, Mike and I laid in bed giggling about whether or not we'd have another girl or boy.  Our boy name has been picked out for a few years, so we had fun discussing what we would name another daughter - and Oh My!  What would we do if we had another daughter??  That was unheard of on his side of the family (dominated by males).  We went to bed with smiles on our faces.

I woke up August 18th at 4:00am with a shooting pain that started from my back and wrapped around my lower belly.  I told myself it was anything I could think of (I even suggested to myself that I was getting my period - even though I don't get cramping especially something not this painful), and tried to adjust my positioning to ease the pain.  I stayed in bed for about an hour, groaning quietly until I felt the bed wet below me.  I ran to the bathroom to witness my own personal nightmare.  I cleaned myself up the best I could and made my way back into my bedroom.  I whispered into Mike's ear that I thought I was miscarrying.  He giggled for a minute and said "no you're not", and then sat still for a few moments.  He looked over at me and when he witnessed my tears of sadness and pain, he understood what was happening. 

The physical pain lasted about a day and a half.  The blood - that horrible reminder of what was happening - continued for just short of two weeks.  It was heavy, it was weird, and I thought it would never end. 

I reached out to my midwife, a good friend, and a close family member whom I had thought would be my pillar of strength.  The good friend and my midwife said the right things and gave the right advice.  They helped me to get through the initial loss, and my friend has continuously been here for me as I go on.  Never ever did I think that the other person I chose to share my loss with would say the things she said.  I kept my loss quiet because I do understand that some people just don't know what to say and that it may put them in an uncomfortable position.  But when my "pillar of strength" told me that it wasn't that big of a deal because it was so early, I almost vomited.  "It was barely a baby" - Well, it was my baby.  "Most people don't even know that they are pregnant yet, let alone know they are miscarrying" - Well, I knew...and it hurts in so many ways.

Now when I am serving women, I understand what so many have been through - and I wish I didn't.  I can't find a way to describe my sadness.  I love my baby who will never be earthside with his/her siblings, Daddy, or me.  My heart goes out to everyone who has ever had a loss of a child.

We have been actively trying to conceive again.  It is heartbreaking to have my period revisit me over and over.  I've never had to try before. 

I've been trying to write about this loss for awhile now and always end up deleting it.  Part of me didn't want to share my loss with the world, and another part of me just couldn't get the words onto paper.  Although a lot of the emotions I am feeling now are different than I have with each time I've tried to write, there are so many that just won't go away.  This is a post I tried to write a few weeks ago and never completed...

To my baby who lived only for a few short moments inside of me:


I don't know why you are no longer with us.  I wish you were.


I am sorry for not being the healthiest Mama I could be.


I am sorry for my c-section, I know that it made it difficult to find a safe place to grow.


It hurt physically and emotionally to bleed you from my womb.  As I cried and cleaned myself, I prayed that it didn't hurt you too.

Love to all the Mamas and Babies out there today and everyday.  Thank you for your support and love.
~Meagan

Back to Basics

Family

Before I buy a homeschool curriculum for Stephen, I want to make sure that this decision is still something we both desire and that we are actually capable of succeeding.

I decided that before anything else, I needed to clean house.  We need to surround ourselves with toys and activities that promote imagination play, a growing attention span, and fine motor skills.  I went through all of the bedrooms with a trashbag and a donation box.  I kept the building blocks, tracks, Lincoln Logs, costumes/dress-up clothes, instruments, and their kitchen.  All of the plastic, talking, light-up toys were tossed immediately (sorry to any family and friends who've spent your hard earned money on these gifts for my children).

The house is cleaner, there is A LOT more interactive playtime, and everyone seems genuinely happier. 

As if we don't read enough books as it is, I have designated some extra time slots in the day for reading.  It is one of Stephen's favorite things to do and Delaney is starting to join in the fun, now that she has given up her title of "Queen Close the Books" (thank God).  It is so awesome to have him read stories to me now, because of his developing memorization skills and ability to follow pictures.  It is also so cool to see Delaney get excited about certain books we read.

Stephen and I have been taking advantage of Delaney's nap and working on a lot of crafts and activities.  Our favorites: labeling baggies with letters and going on scavenger hunts to find objects that begin with each letter and put them in the bags, cutting paper (who woulda thunk that would be so fun), and baking in the kitchen.

I'm feeling more and more confident with our homeschooling decision.

Marriage

Mike and I have yet again simplified our lives even more.  As we slowly live more and more off the land, I become more of the wife I have dreamed of being.  My cooking skills have improved and I'm beginning to enjoy the process.  This has also helped to improve our relationship.  It is nice for Mike to come home to dinner already made after a long day at work, and I feel better about myself.

As Mike builds a larger, sturdier coop, I look forward to increasing our flock and beginning the meat bird process.  I'm also looking forward to our master bedroom being completed.  I tell myself it will give us more privacy, but the truth is that I enjoy my kids curled up between us.

Birth

My summer break from "doula-ing" was much needed, but it took a lot to not say yes to all of the requests.  I've had some major revelations on my break from births.
1.  Our current medical system is truly robbing women and babies from something they need and deserve.
2.  Who am I to tell a woman whether or not she was empwoered or satisfied with her birth?

I am simply an ear to listen and can offer information/education if they are seeking it.  But, I will continue to fight for the right of women AND babies to experience a natural, empowering, spiritual, peaceful and gentle birth.  If the information I put out there offends a few, I am sorry.  The information and stories NEED to get out there to at least plant the seed in ALL people. 

My heart breaks for the moms and babies who are undergoing cesarean sections, inductions and all interventions that are not medically necessary.  "Big babies", going past 40 weeks, and being uncomfortable are not medical reasons to intervene.  Careproviders should be held responsible for their lack of TRUE informed consent, and moms HAVE to educate themselves - not just for their own experience, but for their innocent babies who don't have the ability to speak up for themselves. 

I have decided to start working toward my CBE certification and offer classes to help with the education process.  I am so excited about this next step, but am deeply saddened by the number of pregnant women who seem to have no desire to learn more.  I pray that they get the birth they are looking for and that in future pregnancies they open their minds to further educating themselves on all the different options and aspects of childbirth.

I am so thankful for all of my new clients (and past)!  It is an inspiration to see more and more women taking their births back!

Trust your body.  Trust your baby.  Trust birth.

A Birth Day Reminder

Today at 8:38am my son turned 3 years old.  We celebrated his birthday on Sunday with a small family and neighbor party, and we celebrated all day yesterday with just our family of four.  Mike couldn't get off work today, so we told Stephen that yesterday was his birthday. (Is that bad??)

Our party wasn't to start until 2pm on Sunday, so we had high hopes that we'd be able to finish cleaning up the yard and house before everyone arrived.  At one point Mike called me outside to observe our new honey bees.  As we watched for about 15 minutes, the bees went from a few hundred flying around the hive, to 20,000 (not an exaggeration) in a black, buzzing tornado.  They swarmed their way across our property and into our back field where they formed a tight ball at the bottom of a 4ft sappling - thank God they didn't settle at the top of a 40ft Oak tree.  What an amazing sight to see!  We immediately called my dad (who drove over in record time) and he helped Mike to cut off the branch holding the bees and put them back into the hive box.  During this whole ordeal I began to get extremely stressed, realizing that it was near impossible to make the house presentable before the guests arrived.  Luckily my mom tagged along with my dad and took the kids outside so that I could finish cleaning and get a quick shower in.

Our neighbor showed up with her 3 year old son - who Stephen claims is his best friend - and they took off playing.  One of our other neighbors showed up along with his ex-wife and 11 year old son.  His ex, Brandy, brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers in congratulations for giving birth to Stephen --- It was at this moment that I forgot about all of the party nonsense and began to remember/reminisce/reprocess the birth of my son.

The rest of my family showed up (Mike's family couldn't make it for various reasons) and the adults sat back with cocktails and good coversation while the kids ran out all of their built up energy.

As usual, we said NO GIFTS.  And as usual, no one listened...so Stephen opened them.  Lots of bubbles, trucks & tractors, and Lincoln Logs from the neighbors. 

A Sandbox from my sister's family.  A bunch of sandbox toys from my brother's family.

A fishing pole and tackle box from my parents.

And a real bike with training wheels from us - I can't believe I didn't catch the look on his face with the camera when Mike brought the bike out.

Mike lit up the grill, and dinner was phenomenal!  I pulled out my Peanut Butter and Jelly Cupcakes for the Happy Birthday Song, and they were a hit (a post coming soon about these fantastic cupcakes).  As Stephen blew out his last candle, I looked at the clock.  It was at exactly this moment 3 years ago that my water had broken.  Emotions rushed through me.  I was quietly reliving what I look back on as a nightmare and a blessing.

Everyone began to make their way home, the kids were finally asleep, and I laid myself down to bed.

I tossed and turned and cried all night as I remembered tossing and turning that same night 3 years prior.
"Where are my contractions?"  "Why isn't labor beginning?"  "I don't want to be induced tomorrow!"  I was filled with anger at myself for being stupid enough to believe that I HAD to go into the hospital in the morning and that I HAD to be induced.  Everything I researched and learned about childbirth, and I had no idea how much safer my baby and I would have been if we would have just stayed home until active labor began - or just stayed home...period.

I awoke yesterday morning feeling like a train had hit me.  Mike cleaned up from the party and ventured out to the BMV to take care of his car.  I packed up the kids and we took a long country drive out to pick up a client's placenta.  I was imagining the 30+ minute drive to the hospital. Mike had stopped for breakfast, but I was so nervous and sick to my stomach, I didn't order anything.  I kicked myself in the butt.  Maybe if I would have eaten, I would have had the strength to push through without the epidural and I would have been able to move around to get Stephen into the anterior position to push him out.  Or maybe my body just needed those nutrients to get contractions going on their own.

Stephen's "fake" birthday went on and I thought about the anticipation, the fear, and the pain.  Strapped to those damn monitors with the evil pitocin drip.
Stephen was overtired and grumpy.  We all were.  I couldn't focus on anything but his birth.
I escaped my memories just in time to get in some good playing before bed.  But alas - my bed was waiting for me...and so were my thoughts.
Again I tossed and turned.  I watched myself in that hospital bed like an out of body experience.  I fought all night.  And then I saw myself give up.  I gave up.  How could I do that to my baby?  2am.  Epidural.
My birth story is already written down.  I don't need to recant it.

This morning at 8:38am, I hugged my son.  I kissed him.  I told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was - because 3 years ago I couldn't.  And I would take it back in a heartbeat.

Happy Birthday, Stephen.  I hope one day I can make it up to you for how I brought you into this world.  I love you more than I could ever describe.  And I truly am sorry.

Computer-Cation

So, I took a break from social networking.  I found that my normal embrace of differences of opinion was turning into me feeling attacked and overly defensive - and days after a debate/argument, I was still stewing and yelling at my husband for things he couldn't care less about.  My revelation? (well, I've known this all along...just decided to finally listen to myself.)  Social networking and friends should never leave you angry and bitter for days following a disagreement.  So alas, I distanced myself from the computer and said friends.  :)

I call this my "Computer-Cation".
And what did I do, you ask?
Well I will tell you!

I played hard!

I got a ton of one on one time with Stephen - and realized in the process that he is incredible at talking like a pirate!  ARRRGH! (The pic above is his pirate face)
Stephen, Delaney and I spent countless hours putting costumes on and playing pretend.  We read massive amounts of books and created some new veggie concoction treats so that snacktime was full of healthy treats.

We went to one of our newest and best friends' house for a cookout and let the kids explore and play while we enjoyed some adult cocktails.  We cashed in a "free" babysitting night from our awesome babysitter...she came over to watch the kids, and we never left the house.  We enjoyed our backyard and eachother and didn't have to pay to go out anywhere.

We laughed, cried and stressed over my husband's job situation that went from getting screwed, finding a new job, putting in his notice, to being offered enough to stay - all in a 24 hour period.
Playdates with my sister's kids and a very good friend's kids.
Parks, rivers, hikes, boatrides...
We made delicious dinners out of the little food we had, due to the job situation.  We spent out evenings playing outside with the neighbors or dancing around inside to blaring music off youtube.

I let the house get messy so that I wouldn't miss a moment with my kids.

We gardened - A LOT.
Mike put in an awesome stone pathway up to the house.
Our washing machine broke (sappy country song, right?), and I have learned how to wash clothes by hand - surprisingly, I'm loving it.

I was able to meet some new babies and check in on some not-so-new babes.
I turned down some potential births due to distance and timing :(, but picked up some back-up doula work and a few placenta encapsulations.  :)

All in all, a fabulous computer-cation.  And although my posts are going to keep coming while I nurse my daughter in the quiet darkness of the computer room, I think this vacation is going to become a permanent vacation.  I am happier, less stressed, soaking up the sun, and not missing a second of the Adventures of Stephen and Delaney!

Things are looking up for the DePerro Household!

I'm not green. I'm better than green!

Who woulda thunk it - I walked away from a cesarean birth feeling positive.  Was it a necessary cesarean?  That is for each individual to decide on their own and in their own time.  The soon-to-be parents knew all of their options (including the options that the hospital staff did not give them), and because of certain situations and personal reasons, they opted to stay where they were and see how everything turned out.  As they neared the "deadline" the doctor gave, they started to really prepare emotionally for a c-section.  It was incredibly uplifting to see the transformation of planned natural childbirth to cesarean, but never giving up hope that maybe just maybe she had dilated enough to continue laboring.  Their time ran out and a cesarean was agreed upon.  We talked long and hard about how mom's state of mind could affect the environment to which the baby was born.  Dad and I encouraged peace and relaxation - even though we both knew how difficult it was. 
After they brought her into recovery, she told me how successful she had been - She listened to her headphones and imagined herself on a warm beach near the water.  Because of this, their baby was brought into a peaceful and loving environment - and you could tell as soon as you saw him.  As soon as he started to get hungry and root for his mother, Mom was ready to begin nursing.  It was a beautiful moment to see baby latch perfectly and Mom gain confidence in her body and as a mother.

I have one more "free-of-charge" birth coming up any day now, and I am desperately looking forward to watching this couple unfold in the labor and birth process as new parents.  The transformations I witness in just a few short hours is incredibly breath-taking.  Nature is truly amazing!

My birthday was earlier this month, and my sister-in-law and brother really gave me a touching gift.  They had talked to another well-known doula, with whom they are taking childbirth classes and hypnobirthing classes from, and put together a beautiful basket full of necessary things for my doula bag.  It really meant the world to me.  I can't wait to put some of the stuff to use!

I'm really looking forward to finishing up this certification.  It will be a great sense of accomplishment for me.  As soon as I am done, I am going to start the CBE certification and the Women's Herbal and Aromatherapy course.  I'm sure I won't move through these courses as quickly because I have so much to do around this house over the summer.  We have a side room that used to be a garage, that we are turning into our master bedroom with a full bath.  Once the weather warms up and we can turn off our heat, we will get started.  I am so looking forward to having a little more privacy in our house.  I'm planning on setting up my tea station and sewing table in there as well.  We also have got to finish off this chicken coop.  Our chickens are rather large and are escaping into our house.  I can't wait until they start laying.  I know we will get more eggs than we need, so I have put together a ton of recipes for custards and such so that I can use them up.  I also vowed to no longer buy pasta - looks like I will be making my own.  And then there's the garden.  I'm beginning to get a little overwhelmed with how large it is going to be, but I can't wait for harvesting time and starting the preservation process.  And who doesn't love watching nature at it's best - growing from tiny little seeds, flowering and fruits, and then dying off and feeding the soil with its nutrients.  It is almost as exciting as watching a mama's belly grow with a beautiful baby.  Oh yea, and the bees.  The unassembled hive just came in and the bees are getting picked up in a few days.  Thankfully my dad is helping out and putting the hive together for me.  He's going to start the bees at his house and transfer them over here once Mike's birthday rolls around.
Ahhh, the busy life we live.  Hopefully I'll be able to add a few births to this mix as well.

Mike and I have really been daydreaming about opening our market.  We've been working so hard to educate ourselves and get better at what we already know how to do.  We definitely have learned from our mistakes after running that first business.  Now all we have to do is come into a massive amount of money to start the business...  Sounds so simple.  Anyone have a massive amount of money??  :)

After all of this craziness leads us back into yet another winter, I am hoping to enter that season with baby #3 on the way.  I know we have to have a lot of things come together before we can take that next step, but I'm praying like crazy it all does.  I'm really itching to add another member to the family.

So this is my somewhat boring update on my life right now.  As I read over what I have written, I realize one thing.  We're a pretty cool family.  We are definitely survivors.  We're strong, competent, smart, healthy....and what the hell - good looking.  Haha. 

Please keep sending positive thoughts and prayers for this upcoming birth. 

Gardens and Bees and Clotheslines, Oh My!

I LOVE SPRING!!!  Funny that I am saying that right now, as the cold wind blows and the snow re-stuck to the ground las night.  But Spring is here and I know that snow will melt away for good in the next few weeks.

My house is an absolute mess due to my crazy spring cleaning.  I have emptied out every drawer, closet, cabinet...now I'm just trying to find a new home for everything.  Ya know, change things up.  Make my life a little lighter and brighter.

Every countertop in my kitchen is covered with some sort of plant in some sort of pot, growing slowly under our grow lights and waiting patiently for the ground to thaw so they can transfer outside.  Mike spends so much money every year on flowery annuals to plant in our gardens.  He decided this year to save a bunch of money and grow them himself - and the good news is that he is growing mostly perennials, so we won't have to do this every year.  A bunch of our veggies have been started.  We are planning some adventures to flea markets to pick up old windows so we can build our cold boxes.  I can't wait to get these veggies in the ground.  If I do this right, we should have vegetables to last us the entire year.

Mike's birthday is coming up in June, and I've been wracking my brain about what to get him.  I really want this year to be special.  As we add more children to our family, we focus all of our time and energy on them.  It is nice to save a few days out of the year to spoil eachother and remember who we are as individuals.  Initially I was going to get him Jimmy Buffet tickets for the July show at Blossom.  The ticket prices made my stomach clench into knots, but I knew it would be worth every penny.  I packed up the kids and drove up to ticketmaster to get the tickets...Sold Out.  My heart sunk.  Mike is so hard to buy for, and this was the only thing I could think of that would really make him happy. 
As I've been researching other possible gift ideas, I have finally decided what to get him.  Bees!  We have a bunch of fruit trees and bushes going in this year, and what better way to pollinate them, then with honey bees.  My Dad has been raising bees for as long as I can remember, so I got together with him to find out exactly what I needed to do to get this started.  I'll be ordering the hive and supplies this week, and my parents are driving out to the apiary to pick up the bees for them and for us at the end of April.  I really think that this will be a hobby that Mike will enjoy.  And hey, we'll get honey as a bonus!

My children, my skin, and my clothes are begging for some warm sunshine.  As soon as the temperature hits 50, my clothesline will be up and my diapers will be flapping in the wind.  I love that I can use household chores as an excuse to get outside and soak up some rays.  God, I love the smell of clothes after drying on a clothesline.

I have two more births scheduled for right now.  One should be having her baby any day now, and the other is due in mid-April.  My confidence is building again, and I am so excited to welcome more babies earthside.  The female body is so amazing!
I keep telling myself that once these birth are done, I will take a break to enjoy my family and our summer together.  But I know that as soon as another woman calls, I will be opening my arms to more babies being born. 
If I do get a little break, you can find me in my back yard.  I will be in the garden, playing with my kids, and slowly building a chicken coup.

Warm weather, I give you permission to arrive NOW!  Looking forward to a wonderful spring and summer.  There will be so much to celebrate.  And who knows, maybe baby #3 will be on his/her way as we reenter into the cold months.

Nesting...

I feel like I go through all the "symptoms" of labor when I am waiting for a client to go into labor. 
I am nesting like you wouldn't believe.  Unfortunately my kids aren't cooperating, so it is turning into a meltdown frantic kind of day.

Part of me wonders if the nesting is because of the connection I have with laboring women.  The other part of me just wonders if it is because I know that while I am with a laboring woman, somebody will probably be at my house watching the kids - and I get so embarrassed if it is messy.

Either way, I'm nesting.  Uncontrollably.  I am hoping this is the only symptom I experience.  With one of my other clients, I knew when she went into labor before she called me.  I started to get really crampy and within minutes, my phone rang.  At least in the future I won't think something is dreadfully wrong with me, and I can just go ahead and take that as a sign to start getting my things together for the birth.

I am so looking forward to this upcoming birth.  Any day now, another beautiful baby will be in the arms of his beautiful mother.  What a wonderful life I have, being able  to witness this and help these amazing, powerful women enjoy their birthing experiences.

I think I need to put down the cleaning supplies, brew a cup of tea, and share some quality time with my amazing kids.  The beautiful thing about what I do, is that I can share my experiences with my kids.  They love to hear the stories of the babies growing in their mommy's bellies and how the babies come out into this world.  Not only do I get to share the miraculous stories with them, but I am able to reflect on what it is that I do.  Awesome!

Before I brew that cup of tea, I think I'm gonna pop on some tunes and wash the kitchen floor.  :)

Getting to know you (in a sing song voice)

You've met my kids through their birth stories and our every day life stories, but I am going to take this opportunity (while they are both sleeping) to avoid cleaning my house and introduce you to my amazing family that puts a smile on my face and love in my heart.

I'll start at the bottom of the totem pole - so to speak.

Meet Indiana Jones

She is our Border Collie that we rescued while living in Austin, TX.  She is really smart, really energetic, barks a lot, and smells REALLY BAD.  I read a "birth" quote once that said, "Once you have a baby, your dog becomes just that...a dog."  And that is what she has become.  I love her very much and she has been a blessing on our family.  But seriously, she smells.  And all she does is lick, lick, lick.

Meet Delaney Jo

Haha, I just love this picture of her.  A pure look of annoyance on her face.  Delaney just turned 7 months old yesterday!  This year is flying by so fast, it's scary.  I can't seem to hold onto these baby moments. 
Delaney, Laney, D, Angel Face - is just starting to get her first taste of non-mamma's milk.  She really enjoys the smoothies I make (bananas, kale, apples, strawberries, blueberries), but I hate that she is growing up so fast, so I only give her some every couple of days.  She loves to nurse, but is distracted easily.  She is wearing 9 month clothes now and fits in the medium sized diaper covers and large sized cloth prefolds.  She has the softest, cutest little behind that I can't stop squeezing.  In the past couple of weeks, she has mastered the army crawl and has started to get her knees into it as well.  She moves fast!
She does not like that I am a doula.  In fact, she doesn't like that I am a human being who needs bathroom breaks.  If it was up to her, she would put a diaper on me and super glue us together.  She definitely is not a fan of me walking more than 3 feet away from her.  She loves her Daddy (as long as I'm holding her, or am out of sight).  She also LOVES LOVES LOVES her big brother Stephen.  She just laughs at him all day long.

Meet Stephen Daniel

Stephen, Stevo, Bugaboo, Stevo Burrito - is almost 3 years old (in June)!  I can't believe how old he is!  He has so much energy.  He runs on full blast until he is passed out in his bed.  He's a pretty good eater, keeps it pretty healthy, but enjoys an occasional cookie or two.  He loves choo choo trains and tractors and dump trucks.  He loves to play music and to sing along.  He has his ABC's down and can write the first two letters of his name all by himself.  He can count to 20 - but he always skips the number 15.  He has been potty trained since 20 months old, but he told me the other day, that he wants to try going to bed at night without a diaper.  I'm so excited for him!  What an accomplishment!  He loves to play with other kids, but plays by himself so well.  He has his own unique way of learning things, and he marvels in his own accomplishments.  He is also very destructive.  :)  He loves to take things apart.  He loves to help us cook dinner and when he wakes in the morning before everyone else, he creates some of his own concoctions...all over the floor...  But I love his creativity.  He beats down on the dog, picks on his sister, wrestles with his Daddy, and cuddles with his Mommy.  He is all I ever hoped for in a son.

Meet my husband Michael

I have to secretly take pictures of him, because he hates the camera.  This is my hardworking, supportive, amazing husband.  My rock.  My life.  He works nonstop to support our family.  He loves working in the yard when the whether is nice.  He finds just about any excuse to get outside and enjoy nature.  He puts his heart and soul into our garden to keep our fridge, freezer and pantry stocked full of good fruits and veggies to last us all year long.  He has so much fun playing with Stephen, but is a good balance of discipline as well.  He is still in awe that he has a baby girl.  I don't know where I would be in the world without this man.  He is truly incredible.

And....Meet me.  Meagan Jo

A mom.  A wife.  A friend.  A sister.  A daughter.  A doula. 
I work hard, and I'm proud of what I do.  I give a lot of love.  More love than I ever knew was possible to give.  And thanks to my family and friends, I get all that love back...tenfold.
I love my life.

In case there was a misunderstanding...

There was a lot more to this post that I have erased - mostly because it was personal and none of your business.  :)  I felt it would be healthy for my to write it out and get it off my chest...and then delete it.  So if this post makes no sense to you,  just keep in mind that it was for my own therapy.

I find that as I focus on raising my children and keeping a somewhat put together home for my husband, I "neglect" family and friends.  I go through spurts with my family.  A week on and a week off.  My family - mostly meaning my mom, my sister, and my mother in law - are my saving grace.  I can call them about anything I am thinking or feeling, and they don't judge.  I take that back...they might judge, but they are family, so they're not allowed to stop loving me.  :)  Now throw in my life as a doula.  I am spending all of my time focusing on my growing family and these beautiful people who have asked me to be present at their births and help support them.  I love every minute of it.  But it is even less time that I spend trying to get ahold of friends.

Now, I'd say 99.9% of people that know me, know that I HATE talking on the phone.  Write me a letter, text me, or come see me.  I don't do phones.  They make me nervous - I have no idea why. 
The closest of my friends, I talk to maybe 6 times a year.  When we see eachother (or make that dreaded phone call), we pick up right where we left off and its like we see eachother every day.  To me, that is true friendship.  I don't need to check in with them, I don't ever worry that they are mad at me, I usually forget birthdays - I try to drop a message within 2 weeks - and sometimes I don't show up at important events.
I don't ever just "show-up".  Even if I know something important has happened, I have an odd respect for others' privacy...so I wait for an invite.  And if I don't get one, my feelings aren't hurt.  BECAUSE, I am focusing my attention on my growing family.

Note:  My mom and sister are probably reading this right now, going....WHAT?!?!  My sister and I talk on the phone at least 3 times a day, I go over to both of their houses completely unannounced and stay for as long as I like, I crash my sister's parties by bringing my whole family (at least we bring our own food to eat)...  Again, family is a little different.  Haha, I used to call my mom and say "Hey!  Are you home?"  "Yes, why, do you want to come over?"  "Sure!"  "When will you be here?"  "I'm in your drive..."

My point is this:  This is me.  Take it or leave it.  If you are my friend, know that I love you more than you will probably ever imagine.  I just don't show it in your average "friendly" ways.  My babies and my husband always come first, and I just assume everyone else feels the same way about their families.  I try to be respectful of others' feelings, but I'll warn you right now, I DO NOT know how to keep my mouth shut.  I demand respect for myself and for those I care about.  If I don't feel like you are being respectful, I open my big fat mouth (and probably say things that are not respectful as well - hey at least I'm being honest) and tell you.  And yes, this mouth sometimes jeopardizes other relationships.  I sincerely feel sad about those jeopardized relationships, but I can't regret speaking the truth about my feelings and emotions.  Could I say things in a more gentle way?  Yes.  And I'm working on that.  I definitely have some huge changes to make in my life, and I don't deny it.  But this is me.  And after a friendly conversation, a sorrowful time, or an argument, I will always tell you that I love you.  Because I love you. 

Consider me whatever you want...but I expect to hear it back.

Winter Blues?

Ahhh.  The joys of the whipping bitter cold wind, the knee deep white stuff getting in my shoes, and the stir crazy feelings of being permanently trapped in the house.  I love the outdoors, but not in this weather.  As if the cold and wet isn't enough, the sun rarely shines (and when it does, its usually colder than usual outside), and funds are always running low because of the wonderful holiday season that put us in the spirit of spending more than we have.  Oye - yes, I just said "oye".  What does a mother do in situations like this?  Well, I'll tell you.

I suck it up and I wake up in the morning and say, "The sun will come out, not tomorrow, but in a few more months".  And I smile at my children (who I swear are smiling back at me through the tears) and start to clean the house.  A messy house NEVER helps with the winter blues, so first things first, house gets cleaned.  I have yet to figure out how it got so messy overnight (eh em, my husband) for me to have to reclean every. single. day.  But its messy, so therefore it is our first project.  Stephen always tells me he is going to help, but somehow every morning, he sneaks over to the TV with his cereal bowl and turns on PBS, desperately waiting for Curious George to come on.  At this point I let the dog into the living room to clean up the other half of Stephen's breakfast that he drops on the floor.  The dog is VERY helpful when it comes to cleaning (minus the clumps of hair and muddy footprints all over my carpet and sofas).  Delaney on the other hand, not so helpful.  She wants to be carried constantly, and I'm a baby wearing mama, so this is not a challenge for me.  But, she is not a fan of my constant bending over to pick things up - and I'm not a fan of cleaning on my knees in order to not have to bend down so far.  We are trying to compromise.  I have one of those saucer seat things for her...she pretty much hates it because she knows that as soon as I put her in it, I'm going to walk away.  She enjoys playing on the floor with toys, but so does Stephen, and he likes to drive his cars over her face.  She doesn't like that.  Eventually, after a lot of crying and screaming and pouting and whining, the house gets somewhat cleaned, and we can truly begin our day of fun.

I call this fun, because I get my first break.  Delaney takes her morning nap (we hope - as long as Stephen doesn't have any meltdowns during the nursing/nap process).  We now begin Mommy and Stephen Art Extravaganza!!!  I pull out finger paints and markers and crayons and construction paper and cotton balls and scissors (yikes!) and need I say more?  We make a GIANT mess and enjoy every minute of it.  I absolutely love craft time with him.  He is so creative and artistic!  I have yet to get him on board with finishing up and cleaning up - a temper tantrum usually happens in the middle of this - but we're working on it.  And then its lunch time.  If his temper tantrum woke up Delaney, sometimes we will make a special trip up to Daddy's work to get Stephen a "special" lunch (usually something junky that I shouldn't be feeding him, but its an excuse to visit Dad and it gets us out of the house for a few minutes).  If we are lucky enough to have Delaney sleep through the chaos, we usually eat a sandwich - peanut butter and jelly or grilled cheese - with some fruits and veggies.  I love lunch time.  It gives me a few moments of peace, and sometimes it gives me a chance to jump on the computer and see what the rest of the world is doing.

After lunch, we watch Word World.  I'm sorry to all the anti-TV parents out there (I used to be one), but it is an incredibly educating television show and sometimes it can stretch out my few moments of "me time" or it gives me a chance to nurse Delaney and prepare myself for the dreaded...Nap Time.

When Word World is over, Stephen knows it is time to take a nap.  99.9% of the time he tries to talk me into letting him stay up and watch Barney (yuck!), and 32% of the time, I give in.  Through lots of screaming, kicking, hitting, biting, and banging his head against the wall, I make it very clear to Stephen that I love him very much...but its still time to take a nap.  He pees, I give him a cup of almond milk, and eventually he falls asleep (or he just sits in his bed and reads books).  Now, if it is a good day, Delaney has made it through ALL of this, and I finally have some real ME time.  This is when I blog, facebook, make phone calls to clients, fold laundry...but heaven forbid I pick up a book.  Delaney has a little alarm clock in her head that only responds to Mommy picking up a book.  I don't even get to read a sentence.  The second I pick it up, she is awake.  Heck, if I even THINK about reading a book, her eyes open.  Anyway, I enjoy my few moments of quiet.  If Delaney didn't sleep through the craziness, we take this time to tickle, make goofy noises, and play peek-a-boo.  I love getting one on one time with her.  She is going to be such a beautiful young lady.  She is precious.

Stephen wakes up from his nap, Daddy gets home from work, Delaney attempts to take another nap (usually with no such luck), one of us makes dinner (I usually start it and Mike finishes because of a crying child), we eat dinner and look forward to 8 o'clock.  Stephen goes to bed - usually without a fight!  :) And Delaney goes to bed.  This is when most parents have a sense of relief and sit down to spend some quality time together.  But not in our house.  Delaney is just playing a trick on you...she's not really going to bed.  You see, she doesn't go to sleep for the night, until I am sleeping next to her.  Sounds sweet?  Yea, in a way it is.  But pretty much not.  I chug a glass of chocolate milk and sit next to Mike while we try to fit our entire day's experiences in about 30 seconds and she starts crying.  Good night - yes, every night...at 8:30.  I'm starting to think that I am 56 instead of 26.

Winter blues?  I have a solution.  There is no such thing in our house.  Have children.  They will take up every waking moment (and even sleeping moment) - but my God, they make that time so precious.  Perfect.  I will forever be sarcastic and complain about my daily life, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Can't wait for baby number 3!

To My Daughter

My dear Delaney Jo,

And so it begins.  The life of an amazing girl, woman.  You are going to touch so many hearts.  You already have.

I spent 9+ months carrying you in my womb.  And in that time, I read hundreds of books and articles, and I watched dozens of films trying to figure out one thing:  How to give my baby the most peaceful, spiritual, gentle entrance into this world.

My discovery?  To never leave my home.  Our home.

Every time I would put Stephen down for his nap or to bed for the night, I would pick up where I left off in my books.  And every time I would read about the birth I desired, you would kick me like crazy.  It was my sign.  You were literally nudging me in the right direction.  And here you are.  The girl that made me whole again.

I lost my faith in God and in Mother Nature, and most importantly, I lost faith in myself.  I needed you to remind me how amazing and powerful I am with the help and love from God.  You are my angel. 

I labored, and doubted my ability.  I labored, and grew confident in your ability.  I pushed, and grew confident in our ability.  And then out you came.  Your Daddy handed you between my legs and into my arms. 

Peacefully
Spiritually
Gently

You are so beautiful and perfect.  Your smile warms my heart and soul.  Your laughter brings the sunshine.

I will love you and protect you forever.

I can't wait to see your life unfold.  Don't ever forget where you came from.  Love everyone for their strengths as well as their faults.  Pray.  Everyday.

May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
I love you.

Love,
Mommy

To My Son

To my dearest Stephen,

Thank you.  Thank you for your energy; it reminds me that I too, am young.  Thank you for your love; it keeps my faith strong in God.  Thank you for being you; you are perfect in every way.

Everyday it is amazing to wake up and see how you have grown.  You are so smart and creative.  I love watching you discover the art of "pretend".  I am so proud of your imagination.  You are unbelievably handsome.  I do not look forward to the days when girls will be calling our phone at all hours of the night.  I don't want you to ever have your heart broken.  I want you to be my little boy forever.

I love singing songs with you, and I love your love for music.  Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, ABCs and Uncle Danny Boy will forever remind me of our peaceful nights, that are so appreciated after the chaotic days.

I am sorry that I didn't learn more before and during the days you were in my womb.  I wish I could go back in time and give you the birth you deserved.  Thank you for forgiving me for my ignorance.  I am sorry that I didn't protect you and that you entered this world so violently.  What a strong boy you are for enduring that experience.  I am sorry for not protecting you from circumcision.  Whether or not you are happy with it when you are grown, you should have been able to make that decision on your own. 
I am sorry for my temper, my ever-changing discipline strategies, and my impatience.  You deserve so much more love, patience, and solid boundaries.  Thank you for letting me grow up as a mother and teaching me what is important.

I promise to you, Stephen, that I will do everything to be the best Mommy I can be.  I will take each day as it comes, and I will learn and grow with you. 

A great woman once told me, that our children choose us.  I believe her.  I don't know why you chose me, but by the grace of God, I am going to show you that you made the right choice.  Everything happens for a reason.  Your birth happened for a reason - maybe to push us both to our limits and to show us how strong we are; individually and together.  We push eachother to our limits everyday, and at the end of the day, I am thankful for that. 

You make me a better person.

I love you, Stephen.  So much.  More than you will ever know (until you have children of your own).

Lub,
Mommy

Moving Forward

As I rested in bed, Delaney laid curled up in my stomach with her face snuggled into my breast.  She had a lazy latch, and as she dreamed, she would suckle softly and quietly.  Stephen curled up to my back with his feet by my head and his head by my butt.  I giggled at the beautiful sight we make at naptime and bedtime.  I sighed and pondered what it was that was keeping me awake...

I have only started, but I love being a doula.  I love that I have been called to do this, and I know that I am going down the path, slowly, to becoming a midwife. 

I toss and turn every night reenacting in my mind what I imagine my next prenatal appointments will be like with my clients.  I have dedicated myself to women and families who are going to have very challenging labors and births.  This is a challenge for me, but it is the only way I know how to learn and grow.  The first birth I "attended" was a cesarean.  Now I have a VBAC and a single teenager getting prepared to bring new life in this world. 

I find myself challenged in many different ways.  For me, it is easy being with Mom.  Mom chose me to be with her, and for the most part, knows what she wants.  Trying to get the family, friends and staff (of the hospitals) surrounding these Moms, to be a strong support system, is not so easy.  I imagined that being a doula would simply be holding a woman's hand and encouraging her as she went through the process.  I never thought I would have to educate family and friends about the birth process, why what the Mom wants is healthy, and how to leave their past experiences at the door and focus entirely on Mom.  I'm afraid of the battles that could occur, and I am excited to show my expertise in avoiding conflict and preventing problems. 

I want to ensure that the VBAC is indeed a VBAC and not a repeat cesarean - but I don't want to take away from any special moments between Mom and Dad. 
I want this young Mom to see labor and birth as the beautiful and intense experience that it is - but I don't want to offend her mother by making her feel like her birth experiences were "wrong" or unhealthy. 
I want to protect these women in their birth space - but where do I draw the line and not step over the boundaries they have with themselves and their families?

I guess my challenge is, myself. 

I pray that these women will walk away full of joy and excitement from their experiences.  I want them to have good experiences to look back on, and I want to know that I was able to contribute to these experiences...But when they look back, I don't want them to remember me.  I want them to remember just their family and friends whom they had invited to welcome these precious beings into the world. 

Just remember me long enough to pass my name on to another expecting woman, so that she too can share in such an amazing, life changing moment.

Comparing Births - Part 1 - Stephen's entrance

A little over two years ago, Stephen was taken out of me.  I don't recall every little detail anymore (maybe because I subconsciously blocked it out), but I will do my best.

June 26th, 2008 I got out of my car, after interviewing a pediatrician, and my water broke as I walked up the steps to our back door.  My husband, Mike, started jumping for joy and freaking out that the baby was coming.  I was beyond excited, but confused because I wasn't having any contractions.  We called our midwife group - out of Hillcrest - and filled them in.  The midwife on call told me to lay down and rest while I waited for contractions to begin.  She told me that if they hadn't started by 8 the next morning, that they would have to induce me due to risk of infection. 
All night long I tossed and turned with nothing more than a small cramping.  We tried to ignore the idea of going in for an induction and were relaxing at home the next morning.  Eventually we couldn't ignore the harrassing phone calls of the midwife telling us to get our butts into the hospital. 
We slowly made our way to the hospital dreading the fact that my plans for a natural childbirth were no longer possible. 
They put the gown on, started the IV, strapped me to the EFM and walked away.  Every once in awhile a nurse or midwife would come in and look at the monitor and paper and walk back out.  I wondered if I had been mistaken for a coma patient because they seemed to forget that I could communicate much more than a computer screen.
At one point, the midwife came in and asked me if I was planning on getting the epidural.  I told her no.  She asked how I planned on dealing with labor pain.  I told her I had done prenatal yoga.  She laughed with scorn and said "yea, like thats gonna work."
I immediately began to hate everyone at that establishment.
Every once in awhile we would get a nurse who was incredible.  We had one who would tell me to go to the bathroom and then she would take off all the monitors and make me walk around and get gravity to lend a helping hand.  I'm pretty sure we sat there through 4 shifts of nurses. 
The pain started to get bad.  Everytime I would try to move into a position to help cope, the EFM would stop picking up the heartbeat, the machine would start beeping, a nurse would run in and put me back on my back and tell me to sit still.  Late into the night, the midwife walked in with a bunch of wires and an odd looking mechanism.  She lifted my gown and I felt some of the worse pain in my entire life.  I saw blood and began to panic.  I was literally trying to crawl up the wall.  I asked her what she had done to me...she said she wanted to put on the IFM to keep a better eye on the baby (there still were no signs of distress) and that when she checked me I was 7 cm but closed down to 4 cm and she had a hard time getting the monitor onto the baby's head.  With that "simple" explanation, she walked out of the room.  The pain was incredible and I was still trying to climb up the wall.  My husband was at a loss of how to comfort me.  We were scared.
About 10 minutes later, the midwife came in, sat down in front of me with our faces very close together, and told me that I was losing my mind and that she needed me to take some sort of pain relief to calm me down.  I felt like an idiot...was I really losing my mind???  What did everyone think that could hear me?  How embarrassing!
After given the options, we chose the epidural. 
I'm not going to lie.  It was amazing.  Every sensation was gone. 
I went to sleep for 3 hours and I awoke having a strong urge to poop.  They called the midwife in (who was half asleep - I was nervous about her catching the baby) and they began to tell me to push.  I pushed for 3 hours.  Yes, 3 hours.  I pooped a lot, that was about it. 
Although the baby's heartrate was holding up, the amniotic fluid was stained with meconium and the midwife said she was concerned about the well being of the baby.  She contacted the OB to talk about a cesarean. 
The OB was a pretty nice guy.  He was so relaxed and our fears went out the window for the time being.  He said yes to a cesarean, but allowed to me push longer with a vacuum extractor - in hopes that we could cancel the cesarean before they had the room prepared. 
Episiotomy - thank you very much.  I'll never forgive him for that.  My baby wouldn't come out and they wheeled me to the OR for an additional cut. 
I was shaking tremendously through the entire surgery.  Scared shitless.  I felt them pull the baby out and we heard panic in the room.
No one told us anything about him...not even the sex.  Finally, MY midwife (who had just come "on duty") peaked around the curtain and said we had a little boy and that he wasn't breathing.  They quickly moved him past us slowing down just enough so we could catch a glimpse of them pumping air into his lungs.
We waited for them to stitch me back up.  As they were doing this, the pain medicine began to disappear and I could feel every staple being placed into my skin.  I yelled out to them.  The doctor laughed and said there was nothing she could do about it...they were almost done.  I'm pretty sure I passed out from the pain, because the next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room.  My husband was by my side crying hysterically.  I was numb. 
The pediatrician came in and gave us all the information he had at the moment.  He asked if we had any questions and our response was "no".  He got very angry and said "Don't you want to know if your baby is going to live or die?"  We were in shock and agreed that we did want to know the answer.  He said there was a 50/50 chance.
Days of recovery from two different cuts.  Everyday, I forced myself to walk down to the NICU to see my son who I couldn't even touch because they didn't want us to stimulate him.  I constantly begged and pleaded to hold him and nurse him.  They told me he wasn't ready.  Finally after a week had gone by, a new nurse was taking care of him.  I took my chances and asked if I could hold him.  She pulled him out and handed him to us.  It was the most amazing day!  I was finally holding my baby!  The next day the same nurse was there.  I asked her if I could feed him and she said yes!  Even after a week, he had a perfect latch and we nursed forever.  The next day they said we could take him home and we have been just about inseparable ever since. 
Two years later, this birth still haunts me.