We're in a Real Big Mess

The first thing you see under the description of most OBs, is SURGEON.  Why in the world are we going to surgeons when we are pregnant?  What about pregnancy makes us think "knife"?? 

I am sad, and sick, and angry...and baffled by the way our society thinks!

Did you know that pregnancy and birth is a NORMAL, PHYSIOLOGICAL process???  Cuz it is.  In 97% of births, there is absolutely NO NEED for a cesarean.  But they are cutting us up like we are pieces of meat.  33% of births end in cesarean in the U.S.  And the number keeps rising.  We have some of the HIGHEST infant and maternal mortality rates in ALL THE WORLD.  What's wrong with this picture? 

Women and babies NEED vaginal births.  We have to stop this epidemic before it kills us. 

Arm yourself with knowledge.  Stop putting your trust in others and trust yourself.  Educate yourself on your options.  You DO have options!  Protect yourself.  And my God, Protect Your Babies.

This isn't a joke.  This is serious.  We're messing with Nature...and there is always a backlash when we mess with Nature.

We're in a real big mess...

Tribute to Dads - A Project

Even though my husband disagrees about the month I am picking, I am going to dedicate the month of May to the Dads.

There is so much we can learn from the men who were by our side through the pregnancies, labors and births.  Birth affects our lives as women so much - but it changes our partners' lives too. 

I want to gather as many birth stories from the man's perspective as possible, and post them throughout the entire month of May.  How important it is for them to be heard!  As mothers, we can learn what we did and didn't do that made them happy and sad.  As doulas and other careproviders, we can learn how better to support the partners through the birth process as well.  And for soon to be dads, they can learn to prepare for what lies ahead and how they can be helpful to the process.

My husband has written down his experiences and I am so excited to read them and post them for others to read (and I know he is too).  If anyone is uncomfortable with their name being attatched to their story, I would be happy to post it as an anonymous letter.

I will be taking entries until May 14th.

Thank you, and I hope you participate!

Please send your birth stories to deperro@windstream.net

A Letter to my Midwife

I did it!  I had a vaginal birth after a very traumatic cesarean section!  I pushed my baby out into my husband's arms and rolled over in my own bed and went to sleep with my family.  I gave birth!  I am a powerful woman!

You are right.  Every bit of this is true.  But I could not have done it without you.  The education, the support, the confidence, and the gentle touch you provided were the reasons I was able to do this.

You will forever hold a place in my heart.  In my whole family's heart.

I wish I could find something that would repay you for what you have done for me.

For now, this is all I can do:

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you.

So much to learn from

Still new to the "doula" scene, but thought I was flawless.  My first few births were smooth sailing, and I was confident in the support I provided.  But alas, I have been humbled.  Even though this last birth was successful in its ultimate goal, I walked away feeling like a failure and wanting to quit.

I have had a few sleepless nights since the birth (on top of the sleepless night during the labor and birth), and I think I have finally gotten some of my emotions and thoughts together. 

I watched a VBAC momma hit mental block after mental block, and I sat there...helpless...not knowing what I could do to help.  Not only have I attended a VBAC before, but I have VBAC'd myself!  I know all about the mental blocks that a woman experiences as she tries, yet again, for a vaginal birth.  I am "miss emotional support"!  What happened to me?  Why couldn't I say the right things to help her move past these? 

I was so full of doubt and disappointment (in myself), that I forgot about the other important things a doula needs to do.  I stopped reminding her of position changes, I stopped protecting her from inconsiderate comments made by the "medical professionals", I just stopped.  And labor got "stuck".  I took a break (one of many) and went home to have dinner with my family.  I was a complete mess.  Sobbing over the idea that I was a failure and I was failing this tremendous woman who "needed" me so badly.  Thankfully I have a husband who has his head on a little straighter than I do.  He calmed me down, reminded me that this wasn't my birth, and also reminded me that only one person can move through these blocks - the laboring woman.  And he was right.  I hit block after block, and although I had a massive amount of supportive women around me, only I could move past them.  And I did.

I went back to the hospital (my husband's words had not rang true with me yet), and tried to get out of my head and into the birth.  Luckily for me (and I think for all of us), a good friend of ours came to offer some extra support.  She was like a doula for all of us.  She gently reminded position changes and relaxation.  She encouraged physical support that I wasn't expecting to do - which was awesome because I felt useful and got to use my homemade oils!

And then she pushed.  And while she pushed, I wanted to punch the rude nurse standing across from me...but I didn't.  We whispered words of encouragement and love.  And she pushed her baby out into her open arms.

Could I have done more to support this amazing woman in her labor and birth?  Absolutely.  Will I ever forgive myself?  Probably not.  But I am going to try.  And I am going to take so much from this birth to help me move forward and grow as a doula.

I am truly honored that I was able to witness this beautiful birth, and I am thankful that I had this experience. 

One Moment

One Moment.

One photo.  No words.  A moment I want to capture and remember forever.

It's a basic human right for the baby

I am always talking about how my different birth experiences have affected me.  Sometimes I forget how they have affected my children's lives.  I can't necessarily sit down and ask them how they feel, so I have decided to post pictures of each of them.  You tell me.

Stephen's Birth (hospital, "emergency" induction, epidural, "emergency" cesarean):

He was 6 days old before I was allowed to hold him.  He was one week old before they let me nurse him.

Delaney's Birth (homebirth, VBAC):

Need I say more?
All I ask of you, is to PLEASE choose wisely when making this decision on where to give birth to your babies and who you will trust to touch you and handle the most precious being you will ever hold.

Moving Forward

As I rested in bed, Delaney laid curled up in my stomach with her face snuggled into my breast.  She had a lazy latch, and as she dreamed, she would suckle softly and quietly.  Stephen curled up to my back with his feet by my head and his head by my butt.  I giggled at the beautiful sight we make at naptime and bedtime.  I sighed and pondered what it was that was keeping me awake...

I have only started, but I love being a doula.  I love that I have been called to do this, and I know that I am going down the path, slowly, to becoming a midwife. 

I toss and turn every night reenacting in my mind what I imagine my next prenatal appointments will be like with my clients.  I have dedicated myself to women and families who are going to have very challenging labors and births.  This is a challenge for me, but it is the only way I know how to learn and grow.  The first birth I "attended" was a cesarean.  Now I have a VBAC and a single teenager getting prepared to bring new life in this world. 

I find myself challenged in many different ways.  For me, it is easy being with Mom.  Mom chose me to be with her, and for the most part, knows what she wants.  Trying to get the family, friends and staff (of the hospitals) surrounding these Moms, to be a strong support system, is not so easy.  I imagined that being a doula would simply be holding a woman's hand and encouraging her as she went through the process.  I never thought I would have to educate family and friends about the birth process, why what the Mom wants is healthy, and how to leave their past experiences at the door and focus entirely on Mom.  I'm afraid of the battles that could occur, and I am excited to show my expertise in avoiding conflict and preventing problems. 

I want to ensure that the VBAC is indeed a VBAC and not a repeat cesarean - but I don't want to take away from any special moments between Mom and Dad. 
I want this young Mom to see labor and birth as the beautiful and intense experience that it is - but I don't want to offend her mother by making her feel like her birth experiences were "wrong" or unhealthy. 
I want to protect these women in their birth space - but where do I draw the line and not step over the boundaries they have with themselves and their families?

I guess my challenge is, myself. 

I pray that these women will walk away full of joy and excitement from their experiences.  I want them to have good experiences to look back on, and I want to know that I was able to contribute to these experiences...But when they look back, I don't want them to remember me.  I want them to remember just their family and friends whom they had invited to welcome these precious beings into the world. 

Just remember me long enough to pass my name on to another expecting woman, so that she too can share in such an amazing, life changing moment.

Comparing Births - Part 2 - Delaney's Entrance

I had planned to go with the same group of midwives when I found out I was pregnant again.  I had ordered all of my medical records to find out exactly what had happened during my cesarean section because I really wanted a homebirth, but Mike did not seem like he was on board.  For the first six months I went to my original midwife for prenatal appointments and walked away disappointed every time.  The odds of me having a successful VBAC were not good enough in my eyes.  I wanted to give my body the best chance at delivering vaginally and naturally. 

My second to last appointment with my midwife, I confessed that my heart was truly set on a homebirth.  She got very quiet and told me that she is not allowed to support me in that decision, but that she personally believed that it would be the safest, best option for me if I wanted to birth vaginally.  She gave me the name and number of a woman named Trisha who had had a similar first birth experience and went on to have a VBAC at home with her second child.  She told me that if I was going to choose homebirth, that I wasn't allowed to tell her because she would have to put it in her records and then she would no longer be able to see me.  I called Trisha and she was very reassuring that I was making the right decision.  She gave me the name and number of her midwife - who was also the midwife my sister used.  My next step was to talk to Mike and see if I could change his mind about the location of the birth.

When I sat down with Mike to tell him how I had been feeling, he seemed very supportive.  His biggest concerns were that we had a back up plan if there were any problems, and that the midwife had the "right" answers to his questions.  I called Pam, the midwife, and we scheduled a consultation with her.  I remember pulling up the driveway to her beautiful home and walking up the pathway to her front door.  An immediate peacefulness came over me and my thoughts.  I didn't even have to see her to know that it was meant to be.  She answered the door and greeted us with such warmth and love.  Mike and I sat down on her sofa and began to discuss our history and what we hoped for, for the future.  I asked about her "statistics" and results of the births she had done.  She was very honest and informed.  As the meeting went on, I noticed that Mike was not asking any questions.  I was concerned that he was not interested in hiring her as our caretaker.  She left the room at one point to get some paperwork for us, and I took advantage of our alone time and asked Mike why he hadn't drilled her with his questions.  He told me that the moment he walked in, he knew he trusted her and that she would be the one.  I was so relieved and so very happy that she agreed to take us on as clients.

I enjoyed just about every aspect of my pregnancy.  I was enjoying it as a process and not just an end result.  We took birth classes with Trisha and learned everything we could about the spiritual and emotional side of birth.  Everything was so different than when I was pregnant with Stephen.  I felt powerful and beautiful!  As our due date came closer, I became more and more excited about what our experience would be like, but I never wished my baby out.  I was so happy and comfortable being pregnant - even as our due date came and went. 

Five days past our EDD, Mike and I put Stephen to bed and sat down to watch some TV before we went to bed for the night.  I stood up to go to the bathroom at one point, and felt a small gush of warm fluid between my legs.  It had begun!  My water had broken!  We stayed very calm this time and began to pull out our birth supplies and such in preparation for the delivery.  After I caught my breath and got over the initial excitement, I called Pam to let her know that the waters had broken.  I went to bed right after to make sure I would get the best rest possible.  Contractions began almost immediately, but were weak and far apart.  Throughout the night I would wake up with some really strong ones, but they were few and far between.

The next day, Mike and I ran up to the store to stock the fridge with food and drinks for labor, and food for after the delivery.  We went to the Perry Family Restaurant for lunch and were just enjoying our day together as a family.  My contractions had died down quite a bit.  They were pretty weak coming about every 10-15 minutes.  Later that day, my friend drove out to be with me.  I had asked her earlier on in the pregnancy if she wanted to be present at the birth and take pictures for us.  I was so happy when she agreed because I knew she would act as our doula.  After she arrived, the contractions started to get stronger and remained around 10 minutes apart.  We spent the evening having good conversation and took some time to hike the baby out down by the river.  I notified Pam that night of my "little" progress and went to bed.  Once again, throughout the night I was woken by really strong contractions.  About 4am, I got out of bed because I could no longer sleep.  Contractions were getting stronger and were coming about 6 minutes apart at this point.  Throughout the day they remained the same.  Pam called in the morning to make sure we were going to be home, because she wanted to come out and check on the baby and me.  Mike and I decided to take Stephen to his Grandma's house - she had air conditioning and our house was melting us - and stop out at Target to pick up a broom (don't ask, I was nesting like crazy) and another fan for the house before Pam got to our house.  The contractions were horrible to have in the car and I had a few good ones while out in public.  They were getting so strong that I was starting to get really vocal with each one.  After our trip, Pam got to our house and I remember getting nervous.  I was afraid to have a contraction in front of her because I thought that I was doing it wrong or maybe I wasn't even feeling real contractions.  I was really embarrassed.  Because of my emotional change, my labor slowed down and contractions became week and were coming really far apart.  We had an unexpected visitor shortly after Pam arrived and I was disgusted and angry that he would randomly stop over without calling, knowing that I was in labor.  My husband told him that it wasn't a good time, and he proceeded to pace our front porch, talking on his cell phone and smoking cigarettes.  My labor completely stopped and I felt like a wolf protecting my birth space.  I felt my face turn red with fury and I was ready to attack.  Luckily my husband stepped in before I did and made him leave.  I could not get my labor going again and I was so exhausted.  Pam offered me an herbal supplement to help me get some rest.  She told me to take the herbs, drink a beer and go to bed.  I went outside and drank a beer after taking the herbs.  I went right to bed and fell asleep immediately.  Twenty minutes later I awoke with an incredibly strong contraction and it lasted so long.  I fell back to sleep and woke up another twenty minutes later with the same sensation.  I tried to lay down again, but they suddenly came on fast and strong.  I was growling and rocking back and forth with each one.  Mike called Pam to let her know and said we would call when they got closer together.  About five minutes after that phone call, he called her back again to let her know it was time.

I got in the shower to see if the water would help ease the pain.  I thought it had slowed the labor, so I turned off the water and was hit with an even stronger one.  I tried sitting on the toilet to help move the baby down and thought that I would never be able to get off the toilet.  They were coming one after another with hardly any break in between.  Finally, Mike was able to pull me off of the toilet and I made my way into the bedroom.  I kneeled on the floor and leaned on the bed for each contraction.  I started to panic.  The sensations were so intense that I was sure I wouldn't be able to go on.  At certain points I thought I was dying.  Nobody could say anything to calm me down.  I kept repeating the advise my sister had given - "Relax.  It won't make the pain go away, but it will make it go faster.  Just ride each wave."  Pam got to the house and put her hand on my back and suddenly I knew everything would be okay.

All of a sudden, it happened.  I felt myself open up completely and felt my baby move down inside my body.  I know I screamed because it hurt more than anything, but it was AMAZING to feel my baby moving down inside of me.  Immediately I felt the urge to push.  Pam coerced me into getting onto the bed.  She threw my yoga ball underneath me and I started pushing.  The ball was perfect for resting on and perfect for rocking into each push.  I hated pushing at first.  I kept yelling that I couldn't do it.  Pam told me to stop saying I can't, and to say "I can".  I truly didn't believe that I could do it, so instead I started to tell the baby that "you can do this".  Eventually it became "we can do this".  I knew at that moment we were going to do it together.  Even though the contractions were painful and it was the hardest work ever, pushing became pleasurable and I enjoyed pushing her down further and further. 

It came to the point where I finally understood why everyone called it the ring of fire.  I felt her crown and I wanted so badly to push her out so hard and fast to get rid of the burning.  Pam did everything she could to make me hold it so I wouldn't tear - especially because I had already had the episiotomy with my first birth.  She finally gave me the okay to "grunt" her out.  I felt her head come out and very soon after, felt the rest of the body slide out with ease.  Immediately a baby was passed between my legs and looking right up at me with the healthiest cry ever.  I picked her up without even checking the sex and placed her to my chest.  I laid there for a while, admiring this amazing being that I just gave birth to.  Finally my mother in law asked what the sex was.  I was so sure she was a boy, but I picked up the towel and saw that I had been wrong all along.  It was such a joyous moment.

I waited very patiently for Delaney's placenta to come out.  I was very interested and amazed by this organ and was excited to finally see what kept my beautiful baby girl alive.  We kept the cord attatched for a few hours until I was comfortable with separating her from her lifesource.  Mike ceremoniously cut the cord. 

Pam treated me like a goddess.  I handed Delaney to Mike and she put me in the shower to clean up.  When I got out, she dried me off and helped me dress.  I didn't have to lift a finger.  Once I was comfortable and back in bed, she weighed and measured Delaney right in front of us and immediately handed her back so I could continue nursing.  My house was put back together and if I hadn't been there for the birth, I would've never known it had happened. 

What a beautiful thing; to push out a baby and roll over and be in your own bed.  We went to sleep as a family and woke up as a family.  It was Perfect.