Enjoying Birth Guest Blogger: Jackie

I love this birth story.  Not just because Jackie is my dearest friend, but because it is so real.  She is so real and honest.  I remember talking to her shortly after the birth of her daughter (she had K approx. 10 days after I had Delaney), and when asking her what she thought about it, she said, "It was INTENSE and AWESOME!!!"  I felt the same way. 

Jackie is due with her second child, a son, in a few weeks.  She has a different midwife this time (and I'm her doula!) and I can't wait for her to go through this experience surrounded by family and friends again and a positive, trusting birth support team!  I love you, Jackie!  Thank you for letting me share your story.  Her story can also be found here.

 

So this journey began a few weeks before our sixth wedding anniversary. I was in the kitchen cooking while Thorsten watched laughing. I became irritated and asked him what was so damn funny.

“You’re pregnant.”

Yeah that helped my mood. Of course I wasn’t. I couldn’t be. Sure as hell didn’t want to be. But the curiosity stayed with me for the next few weeks. I was never on time with my cycle-endometriosis tends to do that. Besides, the doctors told us we couldn’t have kids. His remark kept nagging at me. I went to the drugstore and bought a test to prove him wrong. It was December 9, 2009, the day before our anniversary.

I couldn’t wait to go home and take the test, so that afternoon I went into the bathroom at the bus garage and peed on that little white stick. I stood there in that run-down, dump hole of a bathroom watching the purple move up the stick…leaving two solid purple lines in its wake. But where were the directions? What did these two lines mean? I was shaking as I ran to my truck and grabbed the directions. I was so shaken up I did not even realize I was reading the Spanish side. But I knew.

I was pregnant.

This could not be happening. I went to the bar with my friends from work with the test tucked into my coat. I ordered a tall LeBatt before I pulled the test out and threw it on the table.

“What the fuck does this mean?”

It meant I would have to go home and tell my husband. I drank my last beer for a while and left the bar with a heavy heart. I went home and put the test on the back of the toilet as I could not tell Thorsten to his face. I was scared and embarrassed. I sat on the couch and waited for him to come home.

When he came home he knew something was not ok. I told him to go look in the bathroom. When he walked down the hall I started to cry. I could not believe I had done this to us. I was so heartbroken. I loved this man so much and I had no idea how we were going to get through this. I wondered if a year from now (our seven year anniversary) if we would still be together.

We went back and forth over the next few days about what to do. We had lost our health insurance a few months prior. The economy was in the dumper and we were trying not to lose our home. We finally decided we could not go the rest of our marriage looking at each other every morning if we made “the appointment”. We would have a baby.

After two appointments at a local OB/GYN office I knew there would be no way we could afford this. I felt even more sickened than when I had first found out we were pregnant. I couldn’t understand how this country could have gotten things so turned around. How in the world did it make more sense to support and encourage low-life, immature, uneducated single mothers have lots of children in their teens? On the low end we were looking at $15,000. On the high end the sky was the limit. I thought again about making “the appointment”.

I cannot even remember how it was I even began searching the internet for other birth options. I found a group called The Home Birth Option of Cleveland; a group of mothers and midwives that met at a local library once a month. The next meeting was January 25^th…my birthday. Thorsten and I went. We left knowing for the first time what we would do.

The next few months were filled with Birthworks classes, prenatal appointments with our midwife and getting the house ready. We had to put our beloved dog, Abby down in April. Thorsten went back to school. Our house was gutted down to the studs and he worked every night and weekend putting it back together.

  I read every piece of literature I could find on anything related to birth. We watched just about every documentary and YouTube video on homebirth. I asked questions. Lots and lots of questions. My three co-workers and best friends threw me the most amazing baby shower. We gathered all the supplies needed for our birth; towels, extra sheets, tarps, gauze, diapers and pads and two very large bottles of hydrogen peroxide. We picked up the birthing pool from the midwife the third week of July.

Thorsten kept telling everyone the baby would come earlier than our August 18^th due date. No one believed him, the midwife included. Seeing that this was my first baby she suggested we would not see a baby until early September. I had started having Braxton Hicks contractions sometime in late June or July. They were almost unnoticeable.

I was getting more and more anxious not about the birth but how a baby would change our relationship. I was so worried it would break us. We never wanted this. Our relationship was so great for 6 beautiful years before I got pregnant. Thorsten was my best friend and I was so scared to lose him. I worried day and night that I had brought this on us. I also worried how could I love someone else as much as him? How would my heart ever have enough room for two people. Would I love him any less? Would I resent this baby?

Sunday August 1^st my mother came over early and helped me prepare and blanch a couple batches of green and wax beans. She left around noon to go visit her friend who was sick with cancer. Thorsten was working in the barn so I went into the office to sit in front of the computer and try and stay cool. I was laughing at a story about all the reasons why I am glad that George Bush was no longer president when I felt a tremendous gush of fluid. I ran to the bathroom and took off everything from the waist down and cleaned up the floor. I went to the back door and yelled to Thorsten with a tremble in my voice “My water just broke!”

He quickly finished what he was doing outside and came in the house. I put a call in to the midwife but she was not home. I left a message at my parent’s house. Everyone had me convinced that first time labors are long-sometimes as long as 24-36 hours. We were in no rush. I even went on Facebook to distract myself. I sent Thorsten to town to get some juice as that was one of the things my midwife required us to have on hand for my labor. As he left I got into the shower. There were no contractions. It was 2 pm.

I stood in the shower and cried. What was I going to do with a baby? I didn’t even like babies and I liked children even less. I had a good long cry, then I washed my hair and let soap bubbles fall onto my toes. I had not been able to reach my feet for what seemed like eternity. I resolved to deal with those emotions later. I put on my game face and got out of the shower.

When I got out I did my usual ritual of putting a bathrobe and crawling into bed. I had been unable to dry my humongous body all summer and the damp felt good on my skin. I gathered up my makeup as I was going to get camera ready for my big day. I got mascara on one eye when the first contraction hit me like a truck. It had been almost an hour since my water broke.

Where was Thorsten? I looked at my phone to check the time and just then it rang. He was calling to see how I was doing. I told him to hurry. I needed someone here as I didn’t want to be alone. I could hear the worry in his voice when I told him we still had not heard from my parents or the midwife.

I never did finish putting on my make-up. The next contraction came just as I hung up the phone. I started timing them. They were about 6 minutes apart. It was 3 pm on Sunday.

The birthing pool had been set up in the baby’s room. When Thorsten got home he got prepared to fill it with water. From my bedroom I heard the sound of a screw gun just as a contraction hit. I remember vividly thinking I might just kill him. I yelled “What the fuck are you doing in there?” and “Nothing.” Came the response. Apparently he was nesting and felt the need to install a ceiling light in the baby’s room while he was filling the pool.

He went outside to call his parents and tell them labor had started. They tried to convince him to take me to the hospital as they thought this whole homebirth idea was crazy from the start. He politely told them we were fine and were going to wait for the midwife and we would call after the baby was born. I knew Thorsten was getting worried. I resolved I WOULD NOT let my fear show. Where was my mother? Where was the damn midwife?

At this point I was having contractions every 4 minutes. I got into the pool with some great expectations that it would relieve the pain. It did no such thing. In fact I think it made things worse as the realization it brought to me…this was going to royally suck! These contractions were so much worse than I had anticipated-they went from my front and into my lower back. I let out a yell or a scream with each one. I wanted to choke the broad who said “Breathe” through each one…yeah right!

Thorsten was so quiet I almost didn’t know he was there. At some point he asked me in a very anxious voice if he should call someone. I yelled “Call Vickie!” It was 4 pm.

By 4:20 pm people had started to gather at my house. My younger sister Jennifer had been called because she was an EMT. My friend Vickie called Leah, our other girlfriend who owns a medical supply company. Vickie’s friend Mary, a nurse, showed up. We had met only one time before and talked for 2 hours about sheep and Food Inc. in Vic’s barn. Now she was kneeling next to me as I threw up in a bucket. I was in this ridiculous pool inside my house, wearing nothing but a bright pink bikini top, surrounded by a bunch of people who didn’t really know me or my intimate parts…and still no midwife or my mother.

I could hear the chatter in the background. I knew people were getting very concerned. At some point someone asked me what Plan B was. I yelled “There is no Plan B! There is only Plan A!”

At this point I was starting to get overwhelmed. I was trying to concentrate on my labor and I was fearful. The pain was almost more than I could bear. I kept telling myself “Don’t let Thorsten down. You said you could do this. You are going to do this!” but I was scared…where the Hell was the midwife?

My mother and father showed up just then. My mom knelt next to me and tried to call me down. She really took charge as she and I were the only two who had attended my Birthworks classes. She suggested I get out of the pool and try to labor on the toilet. Getting out of the pool was a good thing as I was now shivering, my teeth chattering. I hated that bikini top. I only made it a foot away from the pool and curled up on the ground. I tried to make the whole thing go away. Those contractions were so bad. It felt as if my whole body was being ripped apart. I hated my mom for trying to make me get up. I wanted to go to the hospital. I had enough of this homebirth bullshit! I yelled “I want drugs NOW!” My mother God bless her said in a calm sweet voice “No honey, we decided we weren’t going to do that. Now how about you get up and go sit on the toilet.” I hated her. My contractions were 2 minutes apart and I had been in labor for 2 to 3 hours. It was around 5:30 pm Sunday.

I went into the bathroom and the light felt like spotlights on my naked body. I felt a million eyeballs on me. This was a terrible. I screamed and stomped my feet as the next contraction hit. Thorsten came into the bathroom with me and we stood there-my arms around his neck, his hands on my lower back. I felt embarrassed for him having to stand there and hold my mostly naked, humongous body with what seemed like the whole neighborhood watching. He was silent and strong. He never flinched.

I tried sitting on the toilet and laboring. That felt good. I don’t know why, but it felt better than any other position. After a while though my mother wanted me to try laboring in my room on all fours. Thorsten went in there and put towels on the bed. He brought the box fan in there. I got mentally prepared to move into the bedroom. Once I got there I immediately wanted to go back to the bathroom. My big ass was in the air and everyone was standing there looking at me. I tried to concentrate but things were not working. When the nurse Mary suggested I lay on my back like they do in the hospital, I did. Against my better judgment I did. I am embarrassed to admit I only did it so my ass was not in everyone’s face. I knew it would only prolong labor and it did.

I went back and forth to the bathroom. It felt so good to be in there. My girlfriend Erin showed up. She held my juice cup for me and placed the straw in my mouth after each contraction. I loved her. I loved that juice. Erin never made me move, she never tried to calm me down. She only knelt silently next to me and gave me juice. I love you Erin, and I loved that juice.

After hundreds of phone calls the midwife finally called around 11 pm. I heard the conversation and I was steaming. Thorsten snapped at her that the baby was almost here and he didn’t know if she would make it in time. He asked me if she should still come. I felt for the nurse Mary. This woman who barely knew me was going to try and deliver my baby. I did not want to put her in that position. I told him to tell the midwife yes-please come. I hated her. She was the last person I wanted to see. But I needed her, and I knew it.

The midwife arrived around 11:45 pm. She came onto my bed where I was laying on my back. She listened to the baby’s heartbeat and told me we needed to move to the edge of the bed and squat. Thorsten moved the towels to the floor and he sat on the edge of the bed. I squatted in between his legs and he held me up. Everyone was crammed into my little room and they were spilling into the hallway. Kim the midwife used a flashlight and told me I needed to push. I was screaming at this point. I was certain I was going to rip in two. The fire I felt in my vagina was indescribable. I yelled at her I couldn’t push. It hurt too badly. She said “You must.” I needed her to say that. I pushed so hard. The pain felt white hot. The baby’s head was out. I heard everyone gasp. I could not see and neither could Thorsten. The midwife wanted me to reach down and touch the baby’s head. I couldn’t. I was so scared. This all felt so surreal I was worried if I reached down and felt its head I wouldn’t be able to push the rest of her out. With the next contraction I pushed again and the baby slid out. The midwife caught her. Instantly the white hot pain left. There was a tremendous gush of blood and fluid from my uterus. In an instant the baby was placed on my chest. I could feel the cord pulsating in my vagina. It was 12:10 am Monday August 2^nd 2010.

I sank to the floor I remember looking up at Thorsten. I apologized for throwing him into that fire years before. I know I was in shock. Someone asked me if I was ok. I felt my eyes rolling back into my head and I said yes because I did not want to alarm anybody. I don’t remember much about the baby. I do know it felt alien to be holding her. She was all covered in vernix and some blood. I looked up and standing in the doorway was Dan Peck. He was holding a bottle of Bud Light. He was just standing there with a weird half smile on his face. I will have that picture in my head forever.

I think we were wrapped in a towel and we sat at the base of the bed for maybe 20 minutes. The midwife called for Thorsten and he cut the cord. I was told I had to push the placenta out. I wanted to cry. I couldn’t believe I had to push again. The placenta was placed in a bucket for the midwife to examine later. I think my mom held the baby while I was put into a diaper with giant medical grade maxi-pads and helped onto my bed. The lights were dimmed and the midwife measured and weighed the baby. She asked us what we were going to name her. Thorsten and I agreed on Kailey Rosemarie Greulich.

Kailey was brought to me and I nursed her. Everyone came and quietly said good bye. Thorsten brought the dogs into the room to see the baby and to make sure I was ok. Thorsten climbed into bed and we went to sleep with Kailey in between us. It was sometime after 2 am.

Kailey weighed 8 lbs. 12 oz. There were 12 people present for her birth. She was born at 12:10 am Monday August 2, 2010 after 10 hours of labor. There was not a single picture taken, but I am certain that those people who witnessed her birth will remember it forever. I know Thorsten and I will. I cannot measure the amount of pride I feel for birthing our daughter at home. Others doubted me. At times I doubted myself. But I did it and I am so grateful I did. I hope to be able to do it again sometime in the near future. For now though we are busy enjoying our miracle baby who almost wasn’t. This past December we celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary. When I asked Thorsten who he loved more…me or Kailey? He answered Kailey and I smiled. Right answer-me too : )

Enjoying Birth Guest Blogger: Christina - Part 2 "Welcome Jacob Scott"

And here is part two of Christina's story!  I admire her faith and her strength.  What a truly uplifting story!  I am so thankful for these amazing stories being shared - it is so important to spread the word that even though pregnancy and birth can be difficult, it can be (and should be) incredibly empowering and satisfying!  Enjoy!

The Lord has done great things for us,

and we are filled with joy.

Psalm 126:3

On Saturday, two days after my membranes were stripped, nine days after my due date, one day before my next scheduled midwife appointment, and two days before my deadline to have a homebirth, I started having contractions. They were real contractions this time. Only I didn’t know it – didn’t believe it – didn’t want to get excited in case they were *just* Braxton-Hicks….again. There had been periods in the past few weeks where the contractions had been fairly regular – just never progressed. And each time, I would wonder, ‘is this it’? Only – it never was.
This day, however, I started contracting early on. I remember waking up wondering – ‘is this it’ and thought maybe I should take it easy today, just in case. I think I even took a late morning nap – just in case . The contractions were no more intense or regular than they had been. I guess the only difference is that they kept coming – all day long.
As evening commenced, I asked Scott to go for a walk with me. I think we managed 3 laps in 30 minutes. We came home and my Mom gave me a reflexology massage on my feet. When it was time for Rebecca to go to bed, I layed down with her and thought – ‘hmmm, these are coming a bit more regularly and a bit stronger, hmmmm’ . When I came back downstairs, I thought maybe I should keep record to see what’s really happening. This was about 9:30pm and by 10:30pm, they were anywhere between 3 – 5 minutes apart. But still – I refused to believe it was really happening. They weren’t very intense, I was managing just fine by myself, breathing easily. I called Jo and Faith to let them know it may happen and then texted Emma. Just in case.
I took a shower and tried to sleep. I couldn’t sleep. Everyone else was sleeping.
So I got up, got out the birthing ball, sat myself down and watched TV. I remembered that Emma had left her TENS machine with me, so I found it and attached it to my back. That actually helped relieve some of the pain. At 1:00am, instinct kicked in and I must have realized that this was real. I woke up my Mom, told her we needed to call Emma. Apparently – I was past the point of doing it myself – Mom took one look at me and realized we also needed to call Jo and Faith. She woke Scott up, who woke up Rebecca and a mad dash ensued. We had to pack the car and get over to Faith’s house. Thankfully she lives 5 minutes away. During this whole time, I sat motionless on the birthing ball – focusing on the contractions that were suddenly intense and very real. I remember Scott telling me it was okay to moan or groan through them and realizing that was very comforting and helpful. He says when he called Jo at this point, the contractions were about 2 minutes apart.
All of a sudden, the car was packed with homebirth essentials like towels, sheets, shower curtains (for waterproofing), cameras, baby essentials, labor necklace and book, etc. Mom and Rebecca were also in the car waiting. Scott was running through the house making sure he got everything and then when he was done, he came over to me while I was in the middle of a contraction and said, “Okay, that’s enough! We have got to go!” I could not believe he said that to me – I was furious. Later- he would say he meant that was enough stuff to pack and take with us – where I thought he meant that was enough of me sitting through contractions.
Faith met us at the door – I felt so bad waking her and Todd up – but she was happy and so excited. I promptly found my spot on the birthing ball in the living room. Everyone else was flitting around, unpacking, getting settled – I was only focused on the increasingly intense contractions. Shortly after we got there, Emma and then Jo arrived. I was relieved to see Emma. As it was, I was unable to listen to anyone else who tried to help me through each contraction. She was able to come to me, get close and talk quietly and gently, reminding me to breathe through each contraction. I was nauseous, so she took some peppermint oil, put some drops on a napkin, and left it under the straps of my shirt. I remember that helping some – and being thankful for it.
The next couple hours are all a blur – Jo arrived and only intervened when I was unable to relax. She was the stronger voice telling me to get a grip when I was forgetting to breathe and relax. However – on a sidenote – for me, at that point, it was impossible to relax! I remember bits and pieces of happenings: Rebecca coming in to check on me, leaving as I was having a contraction, Faith’s perfect presence and prayers relaxing me during the height of a contraction, Scott trying to have a normal conversation on the couch with Faith, and me telling him to ‘shut up’. I didn’t mean it maliciously, but it was all I could muster at the moment. At the time, all of my senses were so heightened, that I couldn’t handle anything extra coming into my presence. While still pregnant, I remember talking to Emma, my mom, Faith, and Scott about what I would like during labor: music, massages, etc. – but what happened was I needed silence, no touching me at all (Emma was able to help me from time to time by helping me relax my shoulders) and darkness – I could barely manage to open my eyes. I wasn’t hungry at all and barely wanted anything to drink. Anything extra in the room I was in was too much for me to handle. Scott carrying on a normal conversation – as if he was oblivious to my pain – while I was in the middle of labor – most likely transition – was unbearable.

Where I sat - in one hand is the TENS Machine, the other is my Zune - which was never attached to my ears.

During all this time – everyone was attempting to get the birthing pool ready. Jo had brought it in and it was blown up – but a liner had to be put in it and it had to be filled. My mom, Scott, Todd, Rebecca, and maybe at times, Jo and Faith – all helped put it together. Originally, there was an issue with finding the proper liner and how to put it on. And then, it was an issue filling it up. There was not a dual hot/water nozzle that fit the hose – so they had to use the separate hot and cold water from the laundry room sink. So – the water was at first too hot, then too cold, then too full, then they ended up removing some water with buckets and reheating water on the stove to make it warm again. I kept asking Jo when I could get in the pool and she said it wasn’t ready or it was too cold. I told her at one point that I was okay if it was cold, b/c at the time, I was awfully hot and thought the cool water would soothe me. She replied that it wasn’t safe for the baby and would be too much of a shock for him if he was birthed into cool water. I understood, but I was frustrated.

Helping set up the pool

About this time, I had all these internal thoughts going on…I was really frustrated I couldn’t get in the birthing pool, I was very frustrated and angry about how intense and immensely painful the contractions were. I had read in a lot of books that some women were surprised at how painful and intense labor was, and I guess I was surprised, too. I had been living with a certain level of pain all day – and it was completely manageable. I had contractions with Rebecca and didn’t even realize it. Also – I had an epidural with Rebecca at about 6 or so cm – so I these transition contractions were all very new to me.
At any rate, I remember thinking, ‘oh my – how much worse can this get? I am so glad I am not in a hospital b/c I would be asking for an epidural right about now. How much longer is this going to take?’ The more the contractions came, the more frustrated and angrier I got. There was nothing that was helping- I was only comfortable on the birthing ball – sitting still. I could not rock, or get on all fours – I was just uncomfortable anywhere else. Emma tried though – thinking it would help me – I did for one contraction, lean over the couch – but that was worse. And I did try rocking/swaying on the ball, but that didn’t help either.
They kept asking me where my pain was – which I thought was a funny question – in my uterus, of course! The pain was constant in my lower abdomen – thankfully, I had no back labor-whatsoever- the entire labor. This was another prayer God answered. I had thought all along I could handle anything except back labor – I had that with Rebecca and remembered it so well. This time, I didn’t have a single back contraction. I was so grateful for that. Still am, actually.
All this time, the TENS Machine was still hooked up to my back. I guess it was helping – after a while, I forgot it was there. If anything, in the beginning, it helped mask the pain and kept my focus off of the contraction and more on the electrical pulses on my lower back. It came with a nifty button so that when a contraction started, I would press the button and the electricity would go from a flowing current to a more pulsating current. Generally – it feels like ants crawling around on my back – but I could alter the amount and make it stronger, which helped move my focus some.
Every once in a while, I would have fairly long breaks between contractions – perhaps 5 minutes or more – and these were such a nice respite for me. I would sit quietly, eyes closed, and just breathe deeply – reconnecting with my body and baby and wondering when they would start up again.
Around 3:30am – I felt like I had to pee. I had last peed when we got to Faith’s house, which was around 2:00am. Emma encouraged me to try since I kept complaining and also b/c she said it may help with the pressure I was feeling. So – I mustered to get up and went into the toilet. While I sat there – waiting while nothing happened – all of a sudden my body spontaneously pushed. I was like, ‘whoa!’ And promptly got up and went back into the living room where I told Emma and Jo that I was pushing while on the toilet. Jo didn’t seem surprised – but I was b/c I wasn’t feeling this unbearable pushy feeling I had read so much about.
Jo asked if she could examine me so she could make sure I was past 5 cm and ready to get in the pool. (Uh – hello! I was pushing while on the toilet!) This meant having to lie down on the floor – which I was totally adamant against, at the time, b/c as I said – the only comfortable position I could get in was on the ball. But I relented and got down on the floor – but as I did and as my back touched the ground, the pressure on the TENS pads started to shoot insanely intense electrical pulses into my back. I freaked and had them take them off of me! Once they were removed and I was laying down, the contractions started coming one after the other and were extremely hardcore. I was also uncomfortable and frustrated being in this position b/c it reminded me of being in the hospital bed with Rebecca. I couldn’t lay still and kept rolling over to try to alleviate the pain. It was during this time that I lost control – and Emma and Jo had a hard time reeling me back in – but eventually I was able to gain composure and Jo palpitated my stomach and then examined me. While she did this, my water broke – I had completely forgotten that it hadn’t yet broke – and the cervix was gone and Jo could feel the baby’s head come down. I was really glad my water had not broken yet – thinking that the contractions would’ve been more intense if my waters had already gone – but at the same time, was nervous wondering if there was any meconium present. Jo was unsure and quickly took the pad the water had broken on and left to examine it under the bright kitchen lights. She came back and said that yes, there was some present, but it was too late to call for an ambulance or to try to transport to the hospital. I remember being vaguely concerned – as there was quite a bit of thick meconium present with Rebecca – but I couldn’t dwell on that just yet. I had just been given the ‘okay’ to get into the birthing pool.
Once up on my feet – I made it to the dining room where the pool was set up. I climbed in and immediately fell to my knees. I leaned over one edge and held onto Emma’s and Scott’s hands. And then I took a breath. The water was cool, but it did feel good. And as soon as I got into position, it was as if the contractions stopped and I was at peace. I didn’t feel any more pain here on out. I started pushing – not necessarily b/c I felt this strong urge, but simply because I could and because I knew there was a baby on the other end. For one brief moment, I became fearful about not being able to do this part – b/c I wasn’t able to do it with Rebecca and forceps were used – but that moment passed and I carried on with the business at hand.

Only a few minutes left...

While pushing, I all of a sudden realized that I had not been given Gas and Air – In England, an alternative pain measure, that is allowed for homebirthing, is 50% nitrus and 50% oxygen. And so, b/c I had been told I could have it, I asked for it! Jo laughed and said it was too late, I was already pushing! At the time, I realize it was funny – and I didn’t need it anyway – but I felt duped b/c I did need it just a little while ago. I wish someone had reminded me that I could’ve tried it out during the most painful and hard contractions.
Another funny – while I was pushing Jacob out – I think his head was out, or mostly out, I asked Jo why she wasn’t pulling him out. Again, this was b/c of my experience with Rebecca and having a hospital/medicated birth. Jo laughed again and reminded me we weren’t in a hospital, she wasn’t going to pull him out, I had to push him out. Alrighty then – back to business.
The whole time it took to push Jacob into this world – which was all of 10 minutes – it was perfectly serene in there. The lights were dim, it was very quiet, I could feel everything and loved it. Jo, Rebecca, my Mom, and Faith were all behind me watching Jacob being born. Scott and Emma were in front of me being my support system. Emma would later say she was glad of Scott being there b/c I was pulling so hard on her alone that she was afraid she was going to end up in the pool with me. With Scott there – he helped balance out my pulling while I was pushing to keep her and him on the outside!
Jacob’s head emerged and I could hear them say so – I could feel that part – but it was nice hearing them comment on his nose and eyes and then his mouth. Then they exclaimed about how quickly he turned – and then it was time for his shoulders to emerge as well as the rest of his body. All of a sudden Jo was saying, “Pick up your baby, Christina! Pick up your baby!” And I was shocked that it was over – I leaned back while Jo pushed him forward and grabbed him to my chest. Beautiful.

I remember this - it was as if Jacob was reaching for me.

Beautiful baby boy

Rebecca greeting Jacob

Fresh baby face

Those first few moments are some I hope to never forget. So sweet. He was awake and alert and quiet – we all were quiet. There was a ton of vernex still on him which I thought lovely. We were able to gaze at each others eyes. And it was amazing. Bliss.
A few minutes later, Jo asked if we were ready to cut the cord. She said it had run clear – so we said yes. Rebecca wanted to do this – so Scott and her participated together in this special moment. I loved that Rebecca was there for the whole thing – that she was able to witness what a natural, unmedicated, healthy birth is like, that she is old enough to remember it all, and that she was able to be an active participant in it all. Lately, she has asked me to tell her this story – and at times, I have heard her tell Jacob his own story. This makes my heart smile.

I absolutely love this picture.

Jo took Jacob for a moment to give him a quick once over and then helped me out of the pool. I was moved to a reclining chair and given Jacob back – he latched on perfectly – and stayed that way for a good long while. I had opted for a shot of something like pitocin to birth my placenta. It was a good thing – as I started to gush blood. At first, Jo didn’t seem too concerned, but then it gushed again. And ultimately, she gave me another shot to help stop the bleeding. The placenta birthed and she took it to examine it. She assured me it was fine, all there, with a bit of tears in it – nothing to worry about. When she returned, she mentioned I did tear some, and could use stitches, but she would be quite happy to let it heal on its own – which I agreed with. Later that week, after I mentioned how wore out and tired I was, she would remind me how much blood I lost – and if it continued, I could go to the hospital to see if it warranted a blood transfusion. Interestingly enough, I began to immediately feel better.

Father and Son

Grandmother and Grandson

Sister and Brother

Jacob was born Sunday morning at 4:13am on November 14, 2010 and weighed in at 9lbs 11.5 oz and 22 inches long. Originally – we thought he was 23 inches – but we were wrong. The English don’t do length measurements, so we were left to our own devices…A week ago – at one month of age, he weighed 12 lbs 5 oz. Amazing. He scored a 9/10/10 on his Apgar – a striking difference in comparison to Rebeccca.
So – my fears of revisiting a similar birth like I had with Rebecca were washed away. I was fearful of meconium – hers was thick and very present, his was barely there. I was fearful of the cord being wrapped around his neck – it wasn’t. I was afraid I couldn’t push him out – I did. I was concerned about bleeding heavily and tearing immensely – the bleeding was a lot, but under control, the tear wasn’t an issue. Lastly – I was fearful of the GBS presenting. So far – he appeared a very healthy baby. Jo didn’t seem concerned at all. Regardless – she wanted us to hang out at Faith’s house until around noon – so she could come back, give us another once over and then send us on our merry way home.
During this time, I showered and tried to nap. Tried to get Rebecca to nap. That lasted for 30 minutes. Then we got up and I ate some groaning cake muffins that I had prepared earlier. They were so good!! I resumed my position on the reclining chair and continued to nurse Jacob – it seemed it was all he wanted to do! Scott napped on the couch – Faith’s girls woke up and entertained Rebecca. They were smitten with Jacob and amazed I had him in their dining room while they slept. Sweet.

At least somebody got some sleep.

A baby's first food...

Jo returned as was expected – and Jacob and I were both doing well. No fevers, normal pulse and BPs. My blood pressures – coincidentally – were normal the entire pregnancy except for my last OB visit at the NHS hospital. Even then it was only 130/80 – but besides that, it never got more than 120/78. Seems I just might have a touch of ‘white coat syndrome’. At this point Jo released’ us to go home. We packed up and shipped out – a mere 12 hours since I woke my Mom up and said it was time to go.
Life is good.
Jo came to visit us each day that week – on Day 1 (Monday) she noticed he had a touch of Jaundice and said we should take him in right away. Jaundice isn’t necessarily a dangerous thing – but when it happens before day 3 of a newborns life, it can indicate a medical jaundice which is a bit more serious. Usually – this occurs with an O+ mother whose blood has cross-contaminated with her babies. And as it happened – this was our case.
We did take Jacob in to the hospital that day – I was unable to get him an appointment with the pediatrician because it was a down day at our base hospital. Our only option was to take him into the ER there – so we did. But because he wasn’t born on base, he hadn’t been input into their ‘system’ so they couldn’t see him. Not for lack of trying though – they tried to put him in the ‘system’ but couldn’t get past a certain point. So – not wanting my 1 day old son hanging out in the ER, we left and said we’d try again tomorrow when the rest of the hospital was open. Which we did – and Jacob had a series of bloods done, one being a bilirubin check – his numbers were high so they called for a DAT test, which indicated that my blood had cross-contaminated with his and that my antibodies were attacking his. Sounds awful. I felt horrible – as if it were all my fault. When I asked the pediatrician why and how this happened, he indicated that it was because I was 0+ and Jacob was not and that it probably happened through some tears in the placenta. Hmmm….Jo had mentioned tears in the placenta.
Regardless, on day 2 of Jacob’s life – we received a call at 7:30pm from the on-call Pediatrician saying Jacob needed to be admitted into the hospital for bilirubin light therapy. I was frightened – really scared about leaving Rebecca – wondering how long he would need to be there and how long it would take to determine if it was working. As it turned out – the hospital staff, nurses and Pediatrician were amazing. They allowed all of us to stay the night with Jacob. All of us. My mom, Scott, me, Rebecca – all of us. Rebecca and I shared the twin bed, Scott sat in the chair all night long, and my Mom stayed in the break room. Soon – my fears eased – and by morning when his bloods were drawn again his bilirubin had decreased by 4 points, the Doctor was releasing us at noon after a few more hours of therapy.
On a side note – the Pediatrician was a bit alarmed when he learned that Rebecca was a GBS+ baby and I hadn’t received routine antibiotics during labor for Jacob. On his own, he had extra blood tests done and was happy to tell me that Jacob didn’t have GBS. I knew that already – but it was still nice to see it on paper.
So – for 15 hours, we all crashed at the hospital. It was actually kinda nice and relaxing. Jacob was perfect the whole time and slept beautifully. The rest of the week we would go back and forth for routine bili checks – he continued to improve and at the end of the week the jaundice was no longer a concern. Praise God!!
As I write this – Jacob is now 5 weeks and 1 day old and he sleeps soundly attached to me in a Moby Wrap. His legs are now too long for him to sit in the fetal position – so they are hanging out. Sweet – but wow, he’s growing so fast!! My Mom left to go back home last week and we are all mourning her departure…it’s sad to think about Rebecca and Jacob growing and living without her and the rest of our family nearby. We all enjoy the daily activity of having extended family close in proximity and in our hearts.
I feel more complete now – having two children – and have been blessed beyond my imagination to be able to achieve the birth I had desired with Jacob. From the very beginning I poured out to God the desires of my heart – and our story is God’s most merciful and loving answer to my prayers.

Precious

Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him…” (Psalm 37:5-7a, NIV).

Enjoying Birth Guest Blogger: Christina - Part 1 "How we got to *home*"

I had planned to get this posted yesterday in celebration of Jacob's First Birthday, but I did not succeed.  Here is part one of Christina's amazing birth story leading up to the birth of Jacob.  You can also find these stories here.  Happy Birthday, Jacob!

I would be remiss in telling Jacob’s story without mentioning Rebecca’s.

Jacob’s birth could not have happened without Rebecca’s – the intensity of the story, the divine interventions, the miracle of it all – would not have been possible if Rebecca had not been born. Jacob’s birth story has as much to do about him, as it does about her.

Rebecca mere hours after birth – before I even had a chance to meet her.

While pregnant with Rebecca – I knew in my heart that I wanted a natural birth. I also knew that would be hard to come by in a hospital setting – but I was naive enough to believe it was possible. And indeed – a natural birth is possible in a hospital – but just not for me. I read all the right books – fell in love with Ina May Gaskin and her book Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth and really thought that I could do it.

Have my baby unmedicated, naturally, in a hospital – I believed I could do that.

What happened though, in reality, was not at all what I had dreamt. Things started to go downhill the last week or so of my pregnancy with Rebecca. I was led to believe that my blood pressure was high – and indeed – it was high for me but I didn’t have pre-eclampsia. I didn’t have anything as a matter of fact, except a need to have a baby.

Regardless – at 40w5d I was scheduled for an induction. Miraculously, I went into labor on my own the night prior – my water broke at 11:30pm. Unfortunately, it was full of thick meconium. And thus began our trials….

Upon entering the hospital, our natural birth plan that we had gone over with our *midwife* was figuratively thrown out the window. I was placed in a bed, strapped to an external fetal monitor that was later exchanged for an internal fetal monitor, had an amniotic infusion, IV (b/c it was hospital policy – whether it was needed or not) asked repeatedly if I wanted an epidural, and then given Pitocin without my consent.

Rebecca was born 9 1/2 hours later – I was unable to push her out since I was lying on my back, numb from an epidural, and her unfavorable OP position. She was taken by forceps and when she finally arrived, we saw the cord was wrapped around her neck twice – tightly. Her initial apgar was 0/1, they nearly intubated her – thankfully, it was unsuccessful, b/c an intubated baby would be transferred to the nearest NICU which was an hour away. She did go through a bunch of blood tests, which we would find out 36 hours later, she was GBS+

This resulted in a 10 day treatment of IV antibiotics.

The next week and a half of our lives was the most difficult and trying time Scott and I have ever lived through. Only by the grace of God did we survive it…only then, we didn’t know it.

I couldn’t fathom leaving the hospital without her. It was excruciating.

On day 5 we were forced to leave her under nursery care for 24 hours – at that point, God intervened and we were allowed to room-in with Rebecca the rest of her days in the hospital.

It was at this point I started to breathe again.

And now – nearly 6 years later – the memories are fading as are the IV scars on Rebecca’s hands, feet, and head…God has worked hard on me to bring me to a place of healing and I believe I reached it last year, on her fifth birthday, when I wrote this.

This is why we did things differently with Jacob. I believed with my whole heart that birth could be different. That it could be safe and gratifying. That it could be done unmedicated and naturally and produce a healthy baby.

When we found out I was pregnant early this year – Scott and I were both concerned about how it would all end up, would the baby be healthy, would we be home with it before it was 10 days old, where would I give birth?

The answer started in January of this year before I was pregnant….I met Jo, my midwife, at TLF on base – she and I were both saying good-bye to a dear friend. Jo was also her midwife and we were introduced and I was able to question her about midwifery in England and what it was like for us living on base that desired a homebirth. At this point, I was just curious about it all as I had become very aware of what it was like back home. I had no intentions of actually needing this information.

However, it was then I learned that Tricare (our insurance through the military) will pay for 100% of midwifery care and a homebirth, while they won’t in the states. I also learned that we are not allowed to birth at home if we live on the military installation.

Which we do.

(I asked ‘why’ once to an OB Nurse, and she about flipped out when she realized I was planning a homebirth even though I live on base. She said I couldn’t do that!! I assured her I wasn’t – we had made alternative plans, but regardless, I wanted to know why. To which she replied that the Commander wouldn’t agree, it was very dangerous, and that ACOG doesn’t support homebirths. I think she would’ve continued, but I quickly excused myself.)

We hadn’t always lived on base, but had felt led to move on base and it was a good decision for us. Until now – until I became pregnant and knew that a homebirth was our best bet at having a healthy baby and gratifying delivery for all involved.

But Jo mentioned something that I had never thought of – just because we lived on base, I could still have a homebirth – I would just have to go to a friends’ house. At the time, it sounded insane to me. All of it…not being allowed to birth on base at our home, and then if I wanted it bad enough, I would have to find a friend willing to open their home to me at a moments notice.

At the time, it didn’t pose that much of an issue. I wasn’t pregnant.

But I was a month later.

And when I contacted Jo to find out what my options were, if she could take me on, she was very encouraging about me having a hospital birth at the NHS hospital since she wasn’t taking any women on during the last few months of the year – and I was due November 4th. While I was disappointed, I didn’t think all that much about it b/c Scott and I were still nervous about having a homebirth – as it was, I didn’t have a place to have a homebirth, anyway. So we planned on a waterbith at the local NHS hospital. I would still receive midwifery care – and be able to go home 6 hours after the birth. It would work – it had to…our other option was having the baby at the base hospital. And we had been there, done that, and didn’t want to do it again.

Actually, I remember saying that God closed the homebirth door to us…and I was fine with that. He knew what He was doing…and for whatever reason, He desired a hospital birth for us.

So – I signed on with the NHS, had my initial appointment in our home with our midwife at the end of my 1st trimester, and was thrilled that I didn’t have to see her again until I was 28 weeks along. Time passed – everything was going well – my 1st trimester passed along quickly and beautifully. I was exhausted, but was also while pregnant with Rebecca so I didn’t think much of it. But I didn’t have all that much morning sickness…which I did with Rebecca, even though I never vomited, I was often nauseous. This worried me at times, b/c I knew that morning sickness indicated there was good pregnancy hormone levels, and a lack of could lead to a miscarriage. But one day, I heard God say to me to just accept this blessing of His for me to have a healthy pregnancy without nausea. So I did – as long as I could.

It didn’t last too long.

In May, I was just entering my 2nd trimester, and flew home to be with my family in New Hampshire. At that point, I was getting a lot of motion sickness – in cars – which I always had. But this particular day I participated in a 3 1/2 hour bus ride to the airport, a 9 hour flight, and then another 1 1/2 hour ride to my Aunt’s house. Oh, we were so close to home….so close…and then, unbeknownst to everyone, including me, I projectile vomited all from the back seat into the front seat!! All over everyone – myself, my daughter, my cousin, my grandmother – all over.

And thus the 2nd trimester sickness ensued. The lack of morning sickness I felt in the 1st trimester was made up in the 2nd trimester.

The entire 2nd trimester. Fun stuff.

At 20 weeks pregnant, the NHS requires an anomaly scan of the baby – we also could find out the sex at this point. So – we gladly went. Scott and I kind of had a feeling what it would be. Rebecca was praying for and holding out for a baby sister. And when we were told it was a boy – “see his little willy there on the screen” the only one surprised was Rebecca – she nearly cried – and I nearly cried for her. I can only imagine how badly she wanted a sister sibling…another little girl to chat with, to dress up with and play dolls with, have tea and scones with.

To help her embrace having a boy sibling, we promptly took her shopping for big sister clothes and baby brother outfits. She smiled.

At 28 weeks, we started having routine midwifery appointments at the local clinic. We didn’t have home visits anymore b/c the midwife found it too cumbersome to visit us on base, even though she was an ID card holder. I didn’t think too much of it. Regardless, what we ultimately wanted was a healthy baby and safe delivery. And we believed we could get it the NHS hospital. The appointments were quick and to the point. I was measured, listened to the heartbeat, BP taken, and urine tested. Our midwife would let Rebecca help with the measurements and listen to the baby’s heartbeat. Rebecca loved that.

A few weeks into my 3rd trimester, however, I was told that I would have to see an English OB b/c of my previous delivery with Rebecca, specifically, b/c of the tear I received as a result of the forceps. Why was never really explained to me – I also was told I would need to take a Glucose Tolerance Test. I was not in agreement with doing a GTT b/c I had one with Rebecca, and it was so negative, that my last glucose level 47. Obviously, I didn’t feel well at the end of that test. Neither did my baby – I am sure.

So I tried discussing it with the Midwife and the OB at why I didn’t want to take it. They didn’t seem to hear me. Instead, I recorded my food intake and my blood glucose levels for one week before my next MW appointment (my GTT wasn’t scheduled for another few weeks). As far as I could tell, my blood levels were right on. However, my MW, when shown the records, acted as if I was insane for doing this. She even refused to look at my records. She kept asking my ‘why would you do this’ and I tried explaining that this was a better indicator of whether or not I had gestational diabetes, that if I did have it, I would have to do this anyway – she just didn’t get it though and actually told me that all I was thinking about was myself and not my unborn baby. Wow.

At this same appointment, I asked her if she thought it would be possible for me to have a homebirth. She indicated that she didn’t think so b/c that would be too much to ask of their midwives, especially having to get on base if they weren’t ID card holders. They could be signed on to base, but she thought that would be too much for them to have to go through for me to have a homebirth. So then I asked if Rebecca would be allowed to be a part of my labor and delivery. My mom would be here and would keep an eye on her, but Rebecca really wanted to be a part of it and Scott and I thought that was appropriate. We don’t hide much from her – she knew where the baby was coming from – and obviously, she would be removed if things went array. However, the midwife said most definitely not – hospital policies – birth could be very scary for a little girl – why did I want her there anyway, again indicating that I was only thinking of myself and not my child.

(Just a sidenote – when my Doula came to visit after Jacob was born, Rebecca said, “Hey Mom, remember when I used to watch those baby shows while you were in the shower when we lived in Florida? Well they really paid off, because they really prepared me for watching you….with Jacob, because I wasn’t scared one bit.”)

I felt my options were very limited now – I felt the NHS system was just as medical as our own healthcare system – and I was at a crossroads. Scott and I felt very jaded, and both of us contemplated going back to the base to have our baby thinking it may just be better there. Perhaps we should give them another chance.

All along – I had been praying. God and I had been doing a lot of talking and I really felt his hand on us, and on this pregnancy. I just had to stay open to hearing Him. I also had to use discernment, which I was not all that good at.

God spoke to me through these verses during this time:

Matthew 6:34

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

and

Philippians 4:6-9

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

So – for the time being, my plan was to be a good pregnant patient, do what I was told, not ask questions, and just go with the flow.

Then one day everything changed.

I knew Jo advertised on Lakenheath Yard Sales and so I thought to check on there for a Doula. I knew that having a Doula would increase my chances for a safe, healthy delivery – especially at a hospital. So – as God would have it – a Doula had advertised on there. I contacted her and while she was still in training, she would be willing to take me on, if I would be willing to have her as my Doula. Immediately I knew I did. We met at my home when I was 35+ weeks pregnant. We discussed a bit of history, a bit of what I wanted from her, my expectations, etc. And then Emma described what it would be like for me to give birth at the NHS hospital. While they are very natural and women friendly, they are not at all family friendly. There are no waiting areas, there is no way Rebecca would be able to be with me during labor, only Emma and Scott would be allowed with me until the baby was born. And then – and then – if I had the baby after visiting hours, no one – NO ONE – would be able to stay with me and the baby. Mom and Rebecca wouldn’t even be allowed to see us for a moment. Oh – and I’d be put in a room with 4 other women and their newborns.

This was not what I had signed up for.

I had mentioned to Emma that I had contacted Jo, the local Independent Midwife, but that she wasn’t taking any women on. To which Emma replied that things had changed and that, ‘why yes- she is still seeing women at the moment’.

When Emma left, I was sick stomached – according to the Mother Friendly Childbirth Initiative, there are 10 steps for a hospital, birth centre, or home birth service to take to become Mother Friendly. The first listed? Unrestricted access to the birth companions of her choice – husband, family, children, friends, etc.

I immediately emailed Jo – told her my situation – and asked if she would be willing to take me on so late in the game.

I was flipping out internally – emotionally – I was a wreck. I prayed and waited…prayed and waited. What was God’s answer going to be? How was I going to handle a hospital birth without my family but encouraged to give birth naturally? How was I going to handle a hospital birth with my family present but encouraged to take an epidural and pitocin? What about a homebirth? Where could that take place?

I remembered that about a month prior a friend had offered her home to me. I had blown her off – thinking a homebirth was impossible at that point. But now – I was reaching, grasping for anything. I emailed her too – and waited.

The weekend passed and I had some answers. My friend said ‘of course’ and Jo said we needed to meet and discuss some things. So – we met, at home, on a Wednesday, and Jo looked over my history, heard my concerns, and agreed that a homebirth was most definitely possible. Some things with Rebecca – like my elevated blood pressure, my GBS status, my PPH, all made me delivering at home a bit more risky – but worth trying. And Jo wasn’t too concerned about anything – except maybe the GBS, and requested a urine test to see what my status was at that point. (It was negative – of course) and I opted to use the Hibiclens protocol instead of antibiotics to stop any GBS transmission that might occur.

The only thing, Jo said, was that she had a full November month as it was, and if someone else was delivering when I went into labor, she would have to go with them, since I signed on last. Fair enough, I thought.

We were all relieved and very excited. All of us – Scott, Rebecca, my Mom, me….

God was shining on us. God had heard the desires of my heart and was answering my prayers.

The next few weeks flew by – I had weekly visits at home with Jo – she did her best to prepare me and educate me for what would happen, what it would be like, birthing in a pool (which I desired)

At about 38 weeks – things changed again. I heard God calling on me to switch homes where I was going to birth at. And He was pointing me to Faith – the friend who had thrown my Blessingway.

Faith had initially offered me her home early on in the pregnancy – probably about the same time she offered to give me my blessingway. But I had disregarded her offer too quickly I guess. First – I never thought I would be comfortable enough to give birth at someone else’s house . Second – Scott and I weren’t completely sold on a homebirth. Third – I had already signed up for a hospital birth with the NHS. Fourth – I didn’t want to bother her or her beautiful family. So – I never really thought about it again. Until now, months later, when God was nudging me.

So I called Faith and humbly asked her if the offer still stood. She would have to check with her husband first – but didn’t think it would be an issue. However – they were moving on November 15th, onto base housing, so I would have to have the baby by then, or else. No problem – I thought. Of course I would have the baby by then!! I was due on the 4th as it was anyway.

38 weeks pregnant and things were all lined up.

Midwife – check.

Doula – check.

Home – check.

For two weeks, things were smooth. I had started having Braxton-Hicks pretty regularly, had started having pelvic floor pain, and the baby had seemed to drop (something Rebecca never did) I was beginning to feel uncomfortable and ready (also something I never felt with Rebecca) Everyone just knew I was going to have this baby soon. I knew it was going to take some extra time. I never anticipated having the baby before my due date – always anticipated having him late….just not so late.

These next two verses were key to me staying focused and to stop listening to the lies/the tapes being played in my head about the ‘reality’ of the situation. Like – who was I to have a homebirth? I couldn’t handle it anyway – my baby was going to be born sick, I was going to have to be subjected to a miserable hospital birth, this was all for naught. But God persevered:
Romans 8:31
³¹What then shall we say to [all] this? If God is for us, who [can be] against us? [Who can be our foe, if God is on our side?]

^{And then I was led to Psalm 27:1-3}

¹THE LORD is my Light and my Salvation–whom shall I fear or dread? The Lord is the Refuge and Stronghold of my life–of whom shall I be afraid?²When the wicked, even my enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

³Though a host encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, [even then] in this will I be confident.

40 weeks came and went. I continued living life as normal. But inside I was dying…the looks I would get from people who thought I should’ve had the baby by then, the comments on facebook – was just too much to handle. Eventually at 41 weeks, I turned off from the world. I stopped getting on facebook and stopped taking phone calls. I tried as hard as I could to relax.

God was encouraging me to stay strong, to stay hopeful in Him – to allow him to finish what he had started, to fulfill his promises. The more I worried, the more I was saying to Him that I didn’t believe he would do this for us. I needed to step aside and allow him to do his good work.

Isaiah 40:31

³¹But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.

And then I just love what my commentary has to say about this:
Hoping in the Lord is expecting that his promise of strength will help us to rise above life’s distractions and difficulties. It also means trusting in God. Trusting helps us to be prepared when he speaks to us. Then we will be patient when he asks us to wait and expect him to fulfill his promises found in the Word.

Hebrews 12

¹THEREFORE THEN, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us,
²Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.^(A)
3Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself [reckon up and consider it all in comparison with your trials], so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds.

Jo was beginning to get nervous. She had to tell me the chances I was taking having a baby after due date – the risks involved. At 41 weeks, I agreed to stripping my membranes – but was so nervous because that was done with Rebecca – and was concerned about the increased risk of GBS with more interventions. When Jo checked me and stripped my membranes, the good news was that my cervix was low, I was somewhat dilated, but the bad news was I wasn’t effaced at all. Jo seemed discouraged and didn’t think that birth was imminent. That was a sad MW appointment – my doula had also showed and we were all pretty down.

Because, ultimately, I was on a pretty tight timeline now. First – I had to have the baby by Monday, or else I was without a home to deliver at. Secondly – if I was going to have an induction, I would need to choose hospitals. We had chosen our local base hospital – but they weren’t in agreement with me using them as my back-up hospital b/c we had already opted out of their healthcare. If I was going to have the baby there, I would have to re-enroll with them, so to speak. Third – the later I went, the more chance that I would overlap with another laboring Mom in Jo’s schedule. There was so much….life was so overwhelming…I was not handling anything well at all.

And thenI received this message in my inbox from the Tammy Trent newsletter – spoke directly to me and what I was going through. Divine intervention.
“May you take heart in knowing that God is preparing you for what He has already prepared for you! There is a new season that is already waiting for you. As you allow yourself to take on the fullness of God’s processing in your life, He is doing a work in you already, even if you can’t see it, so that you will be ready for the day when God opens up all the doors and allows you to walk into that new place. Maybe it’s time to “clean house” so you can be fully ready for it. Don’t let anything or any person hold you back from God’s perfect will in your life right now.
I don’t believe God gives us impossible dreams or unreachable desires. He gently takes us through life step by step so that when we face each new opportunity or challenge, we are ready in faith to choose to keep moving forward, always towards truth.
Your challenge right now is not to ask God why things around you are changing, in transition or falling apart, but rather perhaps to ask, “What’s next? What can I learn from this?” There’s a reason and purpose in our struggles or time of difficulties. The thing is, we have to find out what that is and begin to see our difficult time in perspective and how God is using it to prepare us. Search my friend. Search. The answers aren’t all that far away. Some times we just like to keep circling the questions hoping we’ll land on the “right answer” WE were hoping for. Trust God in this moment, that HE is STILL in control of your next season.
As true believers, we must never forget that God does not send “bad things” but He certainly uses them. And wow, do I sure understand and know that for my own life.

I did everything I knew to do to encourage labor: reflexology, rose and clary sage oil, evening primrose oil, accupressure points, walking, sex (seems everyone knows that one b/c everyone told us to do it!), membrane stripping…

I was really grappling with all the potentials that was happening. I was trying to wrap my head around either having a baby to hold at home in a few days, or scheduling an induction. I knew that going into a hospital was not going to end up the way I wanted it to – but I also knew that I was running out of options. My membranes were stripped on Thursday – Jo was due to come back Sunday to do it again – and then on Monday, my time was up as Faith was moving. I was talking to God constantly – praying for God to give me the desires of my heart, but for His will to be done ultimately. I wondered why He would bring me this far just to take it all away. I wondered why I couldn’t have had Jo from the very beginning, instead of having to wait until I was 36 weeks. Why would that door close early on just to be opened late in the game, and then closed again at the very end? Whatever was going to happen, I knew that I would continue to love Him. Regardless.

I didn’t want a hospital birth. I didn’t want a sick baby that would need IV treatment. And I really didn’t think that God would give that to me for a second time – but as it was – I didn’t know what was in store for us. I didn’t really know what God was saying.

For the longest time, I had heard God tell me to just wait, to just ‘tary on the Lord’ and wait. Be patient. Be hopeful and faithful. But then, as time got closer and my world became hectic and my mind was chaotic, God began speaking very directly to me – as I need Him to. I have often prayed for Him to be very direct and clear, as I said earlier, the gift of discernment I have not.

On Wednesday, the day before my membranes were stripped, Rebecca and I were at church helping prepare for Bible Study. Usually, when the Praise and Worship takes place, I listen in the narthex, instead of going into the sanctuary so that I can still greet women as they come in. However, this day, Rebecca was urging me to go into the sanctuary and participate with her. I had a friend helping out at the welcome table, so I felt comfortable leaving my station – I went in with Rebecca. Lo and behold, God had words to speak to me – and I was moved to tears as I heard Him through this song.

And then – the morning I had my membranes stripped, I awoke to God saying this to me loud and clear:
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous for the Lord your God will be with you!” Joshua 1:9

Two days later, I went into labor.

A Tribute to Dads - A Papa's Story

An incredible birth story.  This can also be found on his blog http://stayathomepapa.com/.  His site is awesome!  I really enjoyed reading through it. 

Anjali’s Birth: As Told By Papa
Our beautiful daughter Anjali was born at 7:39 PM on Sunday, February 7th. Apparently this was SuperBowl Sunday, but I couldn’t even tell you who was in the Super Bowl. No, our excitement for this date certainly had nothing to do with football, and everything to do with Anjali’s expected due date. And like her parents, Anjali seems to be quite punctual. But Anjali’s birth story certainly begins before the end. So, I’ll recount it as best I can:
The night before Anjali was born, Madhavi and I were enjoying our usual recent nesting evening activities. Madhavi had been home from work for a little over a week and I had cleared out much of my schedule, so we spent a lot of time watching movies, reading things birthing and parenting related, and just savoring the quiet time we had together in these last days before parenthood. Madhavi was having more and more frequent “practice” contractions, or birthing waves, as we were referring to them from our Hypnobabies birthing course. We decided to time them, although frustratingly because they weren’t obviously regular and we couldn’t coordinate on when one began and when the next one began (kind of key in timing how far apart they are!). Madhavi said she thought it likely that our little Bun was coming tomorrow. How right she was!
4:20AM, I awoke to Madhavi asking me to grab my phone to time her birthing waves. They were keeping her up at this point and she wanted to see how far apart they were. Sure enough, with about 45 minutes of timing the birthing waves, it seemed like they were about a minute and a half long and 10 minutes apart. We were getting closer. We called Amy, our doula, perhaps with a little reservation. We certainly didn’t want to have her come to the house too early if nothing was really happening. On the other hand, we just accumulated about two feet of snow (they were saying it was the worst snow storm in Philadelphia history), so the more heads-up we could give Amy and the midwives the better. Amy told us to hang out for a bit and call the midwives at 8AM to let them know what was going on.
I couldn’t sleep at that point, so I went up to my room to get on the computer and get some work done. Madhavi tried to sleep but couldn’t. So she joined me upstairs about an hour later. With all of the anticipation and excitement, I was actually able to concentrate and get some things done. After that, I made my way downstairs to get some breakfast together.
After we ate, we timed the birthing waves again. This time they were about a minute in length and 5-7 minutes apart. As it was definitely looking like our baby was making its way into the world today, we called the midwives Christy and Meredith and told them. We also phoned Amy. Both of the midwives and Amy estimated their arrival around 10AM. I figured that would give plenty of time for Madhavi to shower and for me to run to Whole Foods to get some items we planned on having for Christy, Meredith, Amy and ourselves during the birth–snack foods, veggies, coffee, etc.
After moving my car out front to leave spaces for Christy, Meredith and Amy in the back, I hopped in Madhavi’s car and made my way down the poorly plowed streets. It had just snowed the day before, and the city was not prepared. But I had Ravi Shankar’s Chants of India playing in the car which was just perfect to move me through the snow-laden streets in a somewhat meditative state of singing. I got all the stuff from Whole Foods and decided to stop at the hardware store to get rock salt to melt our poorly shoveled sidewalk.
I got back home and got Madhavi’s car stuck in the snow in the tiny alley street behind our house. I was surprised because I had yet to get either of our Subarus stuck. I ran next door and grabbed a neighbor’s shovel (ours got stolen the day before…I’m waiting for the person who snaked it to ignorantly knock on our door and ask if we need our cars shoveled out!) and got the car free, and just in time. Amy just arrived. I parked her car for her and just then, Meredith arrived. Getting her car parked was comical, although somewhat painful to my frozen hands. After several times getting her stuck and unstuck, digging out snow with shovel and hands, and even using cat litter for traction, we finally got her situated. Christy arrived in the meantime. Parking her car was uneventful. I really wanted to get in and see how Madhavi was doing, although I knew Amy was with her, so that was reassuring.
I got inside, made sure Madhavi was doing okay. She was, so I took the opportunity to take a quick shower and get the frozen, caked cat litter off of me. Fun.
After that I laid out some of the food for everybody and brought Madhavi some lunch. Christy and Meredith thought it best to get outof the house for coffee to give Madhavi space, at least until things started to get more intense. She, Amy and I sat on the third floor. Madhavi ate a bit, but was mostly breathing and meditating through birthing waves which were coming quite frequently and were quite strong by this point. It was tough for her to find a comfortable position, and I know this was something she had been a little anxious about in the last weeks of pregnancy; she wanted to be able to get into the most comfortable position–the one that she could work through the birthing waves with the most ease. Of course, improvisation seemed to be key. She spent several waves on her knees, leaning over the birthing ball (a yoga or exercise ball). That worked much better than lying on her side on the sofa. Occasionally she used the birthing stool which Meredith brought. Either way, through each one I, and occasionally Amy, would press my thumbs into her lower back to give some counter pressure to the waves. This seemed to help greatly, although if I was a little too high or too low, it was really uncomfortable and annoying to Madhavi. Occasionally Madhavi would quickly snap at me, “Lower!” or “Too hard!” All of this I was prepared to weather easily compared to the intensity my wife was going through.
At some point while we were on the third floor, Amy called the midwives to tell them things had shifted gears and that they should make their way back. Around that time, Madhavi was trying different things to get through the birthing waves while we listened to one of the birthing day tracks from the Hypnobabies CDs. This is about the point Madhavi was standing and swaying, almost slow dancing, while breathing and humming. She asked me to join her and we went through several waves this way, embracing and moving slowly together. It was really amazing to me, quite spiritual in a way.
It was around that point that I noticed a transformation in Madhavi. She seemed to have entered an altered state of consciousness and it all made sense to me. Her energy for direction became very concise. For example, if she was thirsty she would simply say “water.” If she was tired she would just say, “tired.” In fact, from here until the final moments of the birth she sometimes didn’t respond to questions at all. She was basically directing all of her energy to the task at hand. Her main focus was moving through birthing waves and getting closer to birthing our baby. Everything else was peripheral. This was so inspiring to me, for one, to see my wife and soul mate’s strength in this great task, and secondly because I felt like this kind of birth experience–a non-medicalized one–would be some sort of primordial triumph that woman have been experiencing since the dawn of humankind. It made me proud at many stages of the birth. But I had to stay focused and support her along the way.
We made our way downstairs as the midwives had prepared the birthing pool. Madhavi had looked forward to the pool. She knew water to be very soothing, and in some of the videos we had watched, the water births–or at least the water labors–seemed comforting. It turned out to be a bit of a let down though. I don’t know how long she was in there, but it just wasn’t warm enough and she got out shivering and very uncomfortable.
We went to our bedroom with the space heater cranked. She spent many birthing waves in there with me and Amy, moving from birthing chair to being on the floor leaning over the bed, and occasionally trying lying on her side on the bed. Madhavi was not a big fan of this last position. It seemed to be a nice way to rest, but made the waves more intense when they came back around. Meredith and Christy frequently checked in. All the while, by the way, Meredith and Christy would occasionally check the baby’s heart rate with a doppler, and these kind of checks became more frequent in the final hour or two of the birth.
Meanwhile more water was heated up and it looked like we could give the birthing pool another go. A change of venue seemed to be in order. Whereas Madhavi wore a bathing suit and t-shirt in the tub the first time, this time she said, “Screw clothes.” disrobed and got in the pool. Much better this time!
This also started our Amrita cycle. When one of the Hypnobirthing tracks ended–which is more or less a guided meditation or hypnosis with ambient music in the background–it was quiet. And with Madhavi’s birthing waves become more and more intense I felt like some simple change needed to happen. I asked if she wanted to hear music. She gave me an emphatic, “Yes.” She asked for the first Amrita CD which I recorded with my friend Thomas. It really was perfect, and I don’t just say that because I created it. It was really soothing and put a good feeling in the room. When the CD ended, we listened to the whole thing again. We ended up listening to it four times–twice in the nursery, where the birthing pool was, and twice in the bedroom later.
There are some good photos of Madhavi in the pool. You can really see that meditative and altered state in those photos. Meredith eventually suggested that I get in as it was a bit difficult to press on Madhavi’s back from outside the pool. Once in, I was a bit afraid of getting too cold. There’s not much meat on my bones and of course I was also not the one in labor. But it wasn’t hard to remind myself on this journey, whenever I got tired or hungry or thirsty or cold, that my job was easy compared to what Madhavi was doing.
I don’t know how many hours into labor we were–I didn’t look at a clock the entire time–but Madhavi was really getting tired. She asked for someone to get Christy. When Christy came Madhavi said she was so tired and that this is really hard. Then–and this is really funny in retrospect–she asked Christy if it was too late to go to the hospital. As I recall, Christy said something like, “Yeah honey, it’s definitely too late to go to the hospital…An epidural at this point would really just slow things down.” It was very sympathetic, but very straight. She offered to give Madhavi an exam, although I think it was more too make Madhavi feel better and to give her confidence. I don’t think there was any doubt in anyone’s mind that everything was fine and that we were probably getting close. The exam confirmed Madhavi was fully dilated. This was certainly no time to pack up and get in a car in attempt to navigate snowy roads. And more importantly it was completely unnecessary, as Madhavi and the baby were perfectly healthy, things were progressing well, and Madhavi was, in the end, quite capable of birthing the baby. Nonetheless, she was apparently very tired and I meditated on some relief for her.
We left the birthing pool to go into the bedroom. This is when things got really intense, then stalled, and then accelerated to the finish line.
First, the intense:
At some point Madhavi and I were on the bed with the others in the room and the first urges to push came on. This changed Madhavi’s deep, meditative humming and moaning through birth waves into a guttural long grunt. When I mentioned primordial before this was really it. I think this sound would scare off a husband that wasn’t ready for it. I think that’s one of the many reasons a hospital birth was not right for us. It seems like, in hospitals, everyone is trying to suggest this drug or that procedure to the woman not because the woman is in real pain or because she needs to have this or that done, but because they are uncomfortable with the way she is dealing with the intensity of the birth, such as moaning or grunting or screaming. This sound Madhavi was making made so much sense to me. The sound, like this entire birth process, was confirmation that the intellect is taking a back seat and the body and its wisdom have taken over for the better.
The stalling:
Madhavi was alternately having pushing urges and just breathing through the birthing waves when I noticed it was dark outside. This had been a very long day and it wasn’t over yet. I was getting hungry and tired myself. But again, my job was really easy in comparison. But that isn’t to downplay my role. Christy suggested Madhavi sit on the toilet. Or maybe she had to go to the bathroom. I cannot remember exactly. But I remember being in the bathroom with Madhavi and she had strong urges to push with the next couple of waves. I felt like this was a good sign that we were nearing the end. But once back in the bedroom she was so tired. She sat on the edge of the bed for a while and for the next half hour or so–maybe longer–the urges to push seemed to have disappeared. I was feeling almost a bit frustrated about this because Madhavi was disinterested in returning to sitting on the hard toilet seat despite the fact that sitting in that position seemed to be conducive to progressing things along. I wanted to suggest a change of venue so badly, but felt that it needed to come from someone else with more experience. Finally, Amy suggested that maybe Madhavi change position or move somewhere else. And Christy echoed that perhaps getting in the shower would feel good and she could get in there with me. Madhavi responded to this. And so we made our way down the hall.
The finish line:
It only took a step or two down the hall for that urge to push to return. We made it down the hall after several intense waves with Madhavi pushing and making that loud, low-pitched primal grunt. I ran the shower and Madhavi and Christy made it to the bathroom. But wave after wave kept coming and Madhavi kept pushing and grunting through them. After a few minutes of this it was pretty clear we were not going to make it to the shower. Christy then reiterated something she had spoken of earlier. She told Madhavi to think of each contraction as a wave and to ride the flow of it down and out–to push with the wave. It just really made sense and reaffirmed our reason for calling them birthing waves rather than contractions. Madhavi was standing and embracing Christy so tightly with each wave and Christy was a solid foundation both physically and spiritually. With each wave Christy encouraged Madhavi until finally Meredith, who was sitting on the floor, told me to come down and look. There it was! Anjali’s head of hair! I was absolutely in awe, and I knew Madhavi was almost done and that Anjali was about to be born. I also said jokingly, “Ragini was wrong.” No one knew what I was talking about except Madhavi, who was in too intense a state to comprehend any humor. Ragini, Madhavi’s sister told us the night before that she had a feeling we would have a boy, and a bald one at that.
Meredith told me to put my hand on the baby’s crowning head. I did, but I’ll admit I was a little afraid. Of what I’m not sure, but maybe that I’ll mess something up. It was super warm and moist. She told me to hold the crowning head and give a little resistant push on the perineum when Madhavi pushed. That would help prevent the perineum from tearing and, I suppose, from the baby spilling to the floor. Another push and more of the baby came out. It took me a second to realize I was looking at my baby’s face. The entire head was out! This was really it. We were all encouraging Madhavi that she was amazing and doing great. Madhavi needed to wait for that next wave to come to be able to push the baby fully out. This must have been so intense for her, and it must have felt a bit like an eternity for the next wave to come. But when it came, out came the baby which I caught with the help of Meredith. We quickly handed the baby to Madhavi, but she was not in a state yet to hold the baby. She and I did see that it was a baby girl! Madhavi lay down to birth the placenta and to stop the gush of fluid. She delivered it intact.
We made our way into the bedroom with the baby. At some point, as obviously Madhavi was exhausted, quite a bit sore and dizzy from some loss of fluid and fatigue, the midwives tended to her and I stayed with our newly born Anjali laying on my bare chest. From here things are a bit blurry, but I remember being so overjoyed and proud of Madhavi, so in awe of our daughter and feeling a bit like the whole thing was surreal. I also remember Amy asking if she could bring us something to eat. Yes! Madhavi suggested grilled cheese sandwiches and lentil soup and I said, “Yes, that’s perfect.” Amy brought us the food and a grilled cheese sandwich never tasted so good before.
What was most surreal was the quiet of our little family after everyone else was gone. We reflected on a long and intense day. We looked at Anjali with amazement. It would really take some hours before we could fully grasp that this is our daughter.
When birth partners talk about how proud they are of their partner, or how upon seeing their partner give birth they saw their partner very differently and in even higher regard, that is for real! I don’t think I could say enough times how awe-inspired I am by this single act by my wife. I don’t think I could ever communicate fully how proud I am of her to go through this amazing and intense physical, mental, personal and spiritual metamorphosis in order to bring life onto this Earth. Thank you Madhavi for delivering our “gift and blessing,” Anjali.